Miss Manners

2026-06-15 Miss Manners

Mon, 15 Jun 2026 01:00:11 GMT

DEAR MISS MANNERS: Do you have a suitable answer to those who say to me, an older woman, "You must have been attractive when you were young," or after looking at an earlier photo, "Is that you?"

I also feel uncomfortable when being referred to as a "young lady" or a "girl," and being told I'm "X years young," or being asked "How old are you?"

GENTLE READER: It is an affliction of old age to be patronized by the young, who lack the imagination to realize that with any luck, that is where they are heading. Remember the "Never trust anyone over 30" cry? The person who started that is now 86 years old.

Miss Manners will shock you by the antidote she recommends: Flaunt your age. This will give the lie to anyone who thinks it embarrasses you, or who thinks you would welcome their help in denying it.

So while it is indeed considered rude to ask the age of grownups in this society, she is suggesting that you give an honest answer. And correct the "years young" construction by saying, "No, I'm X years old." When addressed as "young lady," or referred to as a "girl," say, "Surely you are not referring to me."

If you do all this pleasantly, as if you were puzzled, rather than offended, it will become clear that the underlying assumption of this supposed flattery is invalid.

But the "must have been" remark requires no answer whatsoever -- just let it hang there. And "Is that you?" needs only a simple yes. Although you might add, as if explaining life to a child, "I was younger then."

To be clear: Miss Manners is not rescinding the rule against asking people's ages. That is still in the same nosy category as asking how much money they make and whether they are ever going to get married or have children.

She just wants to get rid of the coyness of concealing age, which adds to the perception that old age is an embarrassment.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: My husband and I do a lot of recreational traveling. Sometimes, we take local tours. In these, there are a significant number of comments using America as a source of laughter. How should I handle this? Just stand there and be humiliated?

GENTLE READER: Well, no, but neither do you want to start a political fight, which most people would not consider recreational. When that seems to be where the remarks are headed -- and unless you encounter serious people who are willing to talk about their national problems, as well -- Miss Manners would suggest demurring with "We're not thinking about such things while we're on vacation."

But you are talking about ridicule. Then, the first rule is not to join in the laughter, but to keep a perfectly straight face. Then you might say gently, even wistfully, "We're guests here, you know," thus alerting sneerers that they are being rude. But don't pause before adding "and we'd love to hear some of the funny things about your country."

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(Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, gentlereader@missmanners.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)

2026-06-16 Miss Manners

Tue, 16 Jun 2026 00:00:11 GMT

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I was in a medical office waiting room while my husband was having a test done. I was the only one sitting in the waiting room initially, until another person arrived. She had her cellphone on, and was watching a program when she walked in the facility. No one was at the front desk at the time of her arrival.

The volume was very loud, and all that could be heard was one profanity after another. After a few minutes, I asked her if she had headphones, because the program was so loud and offensive.

She said she did not, and continued to listen, making no attempt to turn it down.

I told her it was inconsiderate of her to play this type of program in a waiting room. She then threatened to "beat me up if I didn't shut the f--- up."

I told her I would call 911 if that was her intention, and she then backed off.

I know you're probably saying I should have just ignored her, but something in me would not let me. I feel we have allowed all decency to be slowly eradicated from our society and if people don't start saying something, we will be lost.

Businesses need to implement policies that require headphones with the use of cellphones in their offices. No one should be subject to listening to the most degrading and profane words that now seem popular with some people.

GENTLE READER: If only Miss Manners had put in earplugs -- or rather, put on an eye shade -- before she saw this.

But she is sadly familiar with a pattern practiced by ordinary citizens, supposedly just going about their business:

1. Someone behaves with a blatant lack of consideration for others.

2. Someone else scolds the offender.

3. The offender threatens violence.

4. The offended threatens to call the police.

And oh, yes, there is another:

5. One or both of them invokes the noble name of etiquette, claiming to be enforcing proper behavior.

Miss Manners is not grateful for the assistance. But neither does she agree that suffering rudeness is the only alternative. Even if there was no one at the desk, you could have found someone in authority to deal with this. Or you could have waited for your husband elsewhere, sending him a text on where to find you.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I love eating cherries, but how can I eat them without offending anyone by spitting out the stones?

GENTLE READER: Well, you could swallow them, but Miss Manners does not advise this. When you were a child, surely someone told you that this would make a cherry tree grow in your tummy.

It is the spitting part, which suggests propelling it out, along with some noise and saliva, which can be offensive. Instead, push the pit forward with your tongue and quietly deposit it in your hand or, better, a napkin if you are fortunate enough to have one within reach.

Then what? Ashtrays have disappeared, so if there is no used plate around, into your pocket they go -- offending only yourself or whoever does your laundry.

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2026-06-17 Miss Manners

Wed, 17 Jun 2026 01:00:15 GMT

DEAR MISS MANNERS: As my guests were all sitting around in my living room after a nice dinner, one friend took their socks off. This has happened three times in the past two months.

One time, they said, "I hope you don't mind, but I have to take my socks off." By then, one sock was already off.

I was shocked and didn't know what to do. If it were just the two of us watching TV, it might be OK, but this was totally different.

GENTLE READER: When someone announces having to do something, it is reasonable to assume that the hope not to offend is, at best, a mild one. And your friend no doubt already has a response prepared to any objection you might raise -- as if it were not awkward enough to argue with a guest.

If this were a one-time event, you might be forced to overlook it. But if this is a close friend -- as it seems to be, judging by the frequent invitations -- perhaps it is time for you to have slippers available at the house. You can say this was a suggestion from another guest, who was finicky enough to be put off by the display of bare feet. You, of course, only want your friend to be comfortable.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: My wife and I often order a cocktail with our restaurant meals. My understanding is that the cocktail should be served first, with time allowed to enjoy the drink before the appetizers and meal arrive. However, the last few times we dined out, the cocktails were served simultaneously with the appetizers.

Because cocktails are often a mixture of spirits and increasingly exotic ingredients, they tend to overpower any accompanying food and are not enjoyably paired with a meal. Has the protocol changed on this?

GENTLE READER: There is a strange misconception that when it comes to etiquette, restaurants set the standards for formal service. This is not true, unless, Miss Manners supposes, your definition of formality begins and ends with having to wear shoes.

You are correct that cocktails are not typically served with more than light food, but they are also not served at the dining table, being reserved for pre- and post-dinner congregating. Restaurants throw them in your lap because there is nowhere else, and they deliver everything at the same time because they want you out to make room for the next customer.

If you would like your cocktail served at a different time, you have but to ask. You are, after all, a customer, not a guest.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: Why do you think it's considered rude to correct someone's bad manners?

GENTLE READER: It's not always rude: Parents can correct their children; teachers can correct their students; and Miss Manners will correct you if you ask her. But it is rude to correct the manners of a peer for the same reason everyone used to know it was rude to boss strangers around on the street: We do not like it when it happens to us.

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2026-06-18 Miss Manners

Thu, 18 Jun 2026 01:00:11 GMT

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I am a 25-year-old-lawyer who worked as a law clerk for a year before passing the bar exam. When I accompany the partner to hearings where a client is present, I invariably get asked whether I am still in law school or how I like being a paralegal.

What is the appropriate response? Also, when I am in the office, sometimes potential clients will walk in and ask me to make copies for them (assuming the secretary is not there). I usually do this graciously, but I am wondering if there is something I can say to establish the fact that I am an attorney.

GENTLE READER: That you were willing to make the copies for the client shows your heart was in the right place -- which Miss Manners agrees is no small thing after three years of law school and a year of court.

But unfortunately, she has to say that your head was not. If you think the partner, having observed either of these interactions with clients, was going to shout, "Promote that person immediately -- we need more people who put the client first!" you would have been wrong.

What he or she was really thinking was, "If that person cannot even explain to a client that they are not the secretary or a paralegal, how are they going to stand up to an angry judge?"

The correct thing to say to the client at the office is, "How do you do? I'm So-and-so, an attorney here at the firm. But let me find you a secretary who can help you." The answer to the client at the hearing is, "I am really enjoying being an associate here at the firm." Then give a reason why the work you are doing for the firm is even more interesting than your clerkship -- throwing in the name of the judge you worked for.

Business manners are different than social manners, and most lawyers are used to being contradicted without taking offense. They may even recognize the courage it took for you to speak up.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I am a female homeowner who lives in a two-story house. Mostly the living area is upstairs, after a 15-step staircase with a small landing before the turn.

If someone comes to my house who has never been, or a worker to do a repair or something, who do I let walk up the stairs first, looking at the other person's butt? The male stranger, the female stranger, or me?

GENTLE READER: Etiquette is neutral on who leads, unless the passage is challenging, in which case you would want to go first to act as guide.

As to what there is to see along the way, Miss Manners hopes that whoever follows will have the common courtesy, if not the common sense, to follow at a modest distance and with eyes elsewhere -- no ifs, ands, buts or butts.

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2026-06-19 Miss Manners

Fri, 19 Jun 2026 01:00:10 GMT

DEAR MISS MANNERS: It is like a compulsion for many people to forward emails they've received, usually filled with jokes and such. To my surprise, many seem to enjoy those emails.

I stopped everybody from forwarding me those emails by telling them the truth: If I want jokes, I will buy a book of jokes. I have TV sets, radios, newspapers and all kinds of ways I can get the latest news from around the world. I also have a computer that gives me everything I want and need, but when I want and need it.

Some of my friends were surprised at my decision. "Oh, but my jokes are SO funny!" they tell me, but I never lost an interesting correspondent by telling them not to send me any forwarded messages. I delete them right away.

GENTLE READER: So you already have a solution. You just want to admonish your humorless friends and boast about how dispensable they are?

Yes, the practice of forwarding these emails can be annoying. But if that is your test for good companionship, Miss Manners fears you will have a lonely life of censoring everyone you know.

Because bad taste in humor (or more accurately, taste that is something other than your own) is not just confined to inboxes, but to all social situations, even (especially) familial ones. One would think it would be easier just to humor the humorless and quietly delete their emails, rather than obliterate the relationship with their senders.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: My partner, Derek, our lady friend, Jessica, and I dined at a highly renowned restaurant in the big city. The waitstaff was young and attractive, the silverware was clean, and the food was attractively displayed when we were served. Derek and Jess each had a drink, I had water, and the bill came to something just south of $200.

My companions are used to fine dining, but I was shocked when the food was delivered. It was like a joke -- the plate was nearly empty. The "meal" was artfully prepared, probably with rare and desirable ingredients, but after dinner, I went to a real restaurant and got a cheeseburger.

It's not my inclination to make a scene when we're out having a nice time, so I didn't, but if we ever go "fine dining" again, what are my rights as a customer? Should I have sent the plate back to the kitchen and told them to put some real food on it?

GENTLE READER: You already know the answer to that.

"Fine dining" is often synonymous with pretentiousness and sadly, the joke is on us when the portions are laughably small -- if no doubt artfully prepared and sustainably sourced.

Miss Manners suggests that next time a restaurant like this one is suggested, you look up the menu (and accompanying pictures) online beforehand. At least that way you can be prepared -- either by suggesting somewhere else or by eating hearty appetizers beforehand.

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2026-06-20 Miss Manners

Sat, 20 Jun 2026 01:00:08 GMT

DEAR MISS MANNERS: When my husband died, his old girlfriend crawled out of the woodwork and wrote a tribute on his memory page about their "relationship from years in the past."

This was extremely hurtful to me. I feel like writing a response to her in the comment section of what she wrote.

GENTLE READER: Please don't. Let your friends be outraged on your behalf while you take the high ground.

This woman is entitled to her experience, if indelicate about where and how she expressed it. This may, in Miss Manners' mind, be an excellent reason for keeping those memory books confined to a private audience.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I have a good friend who now has two children. When invited for meals at my house, she now arrives with an alternate meal for at least one child, in case either does not care for the food being served. For instance, I invited the three of them over for homemade waffles, and the mother brought cereal for her youngest. This was not due to any dietary restrictions.

The friend's unwitting rudeness does not astonish me as much as the poor model she is setting for her children about responding to hospitality. One should eat the food offered and not expect to be catered to. The even more basic etiquette is, when invited for a meal, one does not bring one's own food to the host's house.

Can you suggest any communication I could offer to fend off similar behavior in the future?

GENTLE READER: "Colton is so discerning and I want to please him. What was that brand of cereal you brought for him? I'll make sure to have it on hand. Any other preferences I can accommodate for your children?"

While not guaranteed to work (Colton no doubt hates that brand of cereal now and has moved on to only eating string cheese), Miss Manners hopes it will at least put the mother on blast that you have noticed the children's pickiness and are trying to guard against it. As should she.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I have been sober for 26 years, and every now and then I have to decline alcoholic beverages at a gathering or at a meal. Usually the host or hostess understands, but sometimes they might persist in wanting me to have an alcoholic beverage.

I will just give a half-smile, and repeat as often as necessary, "No, thank you".

But the reasons and persuasions given by the host or hostess might include, "Oh, it's just one glass of wine," or "This is a special occasion -- come on" and they give a disappointed look.

Any suggestions or advice on how to politely decline these kind offers of hospitality and, sometimes repeated pressure, would be appreciated.

GENTLE READER: If kind offers turn into repeated pressure, they are no longer hospitable. Miss Manners had thought, perhaps naively, that abstinence had become more commonplace and coercion less so, and she is sorry to hear otherwise.

"I really can't" can be added to your "No, thank you" rotation for emphasis -- followed by suggesting a common alternative: "But if you have sparkling water, that would be lovely." As a last resort, you may offer to get it yourself -- or suddenly see someone else you know.

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2026-06-22 Miss Manners

Mon, 22 Jun 2026 01:00:06 GMT

DEAR MISS MANNERS: We had arranged with our son and daughter-in-law to babysit their 1- and 4-year-olds so they could go to an out-of-town concert, being gone for two nights. Three days before we were to arrive, the 4-year-old got sick and they took him to urgent care.

He continued to get worse, and the doctor sent them to the children's hospital for tests. He was still quite sick the day before we were to arrive, and the doctors were still not sure what was up. They wanted to see him in the office the next day, when the parents would be gone, so we would have to take him.

We are in our 70s and have some health issues, and we were uncomfortable being with, and caring for, a sick child. We told our son we did not feel comfortable caring for the child and meeting with the doctor to go over test results.

We backed out and they missed the concert. Our son is now not speaking to us. Who, if anyone, is overreacting here?

GENTLE READER: Wait -- how is the child?

Miss Manners doesn't even know him, and she is deeply worried about him, while his nearest relatives are squabbling over a missed concert.

Are you monsters?

The answer to who should have been on duty is: everybody! A seriously sick child is a family emergency. Someone needs to be with the child -- not just to transport him, but to comfort him. Someone needs to keep up with the doctors' reports and instructions, and pick up any medicines that may be prescribed. Someone needs to run the household, making sure that everyone gets sufficient food and rest. And, by the way, someone needs to look after the 1-year-old.

Here is what no one has to do: Go to a concert. Engage in hostilities. Shun family members or accuse them of overreacting.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I have blotches on my skin, which I am doing my best to alleviate. My doctor has helped me to the best of her ability, and I have seen specialists. My condition isn't communicable in any way, but it is visible on my arms and legs, and I can't always wear clothing that covers it completely.

People (both those I know and strangers alike) are always telling me their remedies. Some hand me products they recommend and then ask me later how often I have used them and if they are working.

I also sunburn. I once had a conversation that went like this: "Oh, did you get poison ivy?" she asked.

"No, it's a sunburn; that's why I wore long sleeves today."

"Really? 'Cause it looks horrible."

"... Thanks!" I replied.

I am unable to communicate how little I want to discuss it any further. I don't know how to get away from it. Miss Manners, I understand that skin is on the outside, but I am contemplating becoming a hermit.

GENTLE READER: These people would then come to your hermitage to suggest an alternative.

To your understandable "thanks" at being insulted, Miss Manners suggests you add, "Thank you for your advice, but I get professional care."

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2026-06-23 Miss Manners

Tue, 23 Jun 2026 01:00:10 GMT

DEAR MISS MANNERS: The 4th of July is quickly approaching. Every year, due to my home being in close proximity to the city's fireworks display, I am bombarded with uninvited visitors. I do invite some friends over, but I spend the evening chasing trespassers off my property.

How do I politely tell people in advance that I do not want smoking or alcoholic beverages on my property? The smoking is just because I don't like the habit. The alcohol is because my teen invites friends over, and I also do not want the responsibility for people overdoing it. In the past, people have just shown up with whole coolers of beer without asking.

GENTLE READER: Do you have a fence? Apparently you need one, with a specific entrance. And at that entrance, you seem to need a bouncer.

This need not be a burly bully who sizes up wardrobes and coiffures to decide who would best decorate your party. Miss Manners suggests that you ask for teenaged volunteers to rotate manning the gate and saying politely, "I'm sorry; this is a private party," "Please leave your liquor in your car" and "This is a no-smoking area."

This may require some rehearsals, but surely the bragging rights of having been bouncers will compensate them for doing this duty.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: There are so many etiquette rules stifling the truth. You're not allowed to say that you had a terrible time at a party, that someone is ugly, that you hated a gift, etc.

Don't you believe in free speech?

GENTLE READER: Of course Miss Manners, an American and a journalist, believes in free speech. She also believes in having the good sense to realize that you don't always need to exercise it. And that is because she also believes in maintaining the peace.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I often socialize with a married couple I have known for a few years. They are lovely people, but both of them have a habit I'm not fond of.

Whenever I'm alone with one of them, they complain incessantly about their spouse. Once, the wife proceeded to inform me of an argument they'd had just before I got to their home, while the husband was walking in and out of the room and undoubtedly could hear her.

I was too embarrassed to tell her to stop and just sat looking like a deer caught in headlights, hoping the husband knew I had not solicited the information in the first place.

I think that what goes on in a marriage should be kept between the spouses, not aired out to friends and acquaintances. How do I politely say I would prefer not to hear the details of their marriage without giving offense?

GENTLE READER: "I'm sorry to hear this. You know I'm so fond of you both. But I should warn you that I have trouble keeping secrets -- I figure that if people tell me something personal, they don't care if it gets around."

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2026-06-24 Miss Manners

Wed, 24 Jun 2026 00:00:09 GMT

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I've become lost for words greeting people I interact with on a regular basis -- for example, neighbors and store employees.

After greeting them with a smile, I ask them, "How are you today?" I'm then met with a barrage of things going wrong in their lives, their financial hardships, and many details of illnesses.

I do have a healthy dose of empathy by nature; however, I'm fed up with the negativity and "woe is me" attitude. It seems to be getting worse in society as a whole.

In addition, I'm shocked how self-centered they come off, and I don't know how to respond. I want to run. Your thoughts?

GENTLE READER: People have also become stupefyingly literal-minded, as demonstrated by how many people think that "How do you do?" (or "How you doin'?") is an attempt to dig for personal information.

Miss Manners wonders if it is time to dispense with that as a casual greeting. In the meantime, you will have to nod politely, say, "I'm so sorry," and change the subject.

But she will add, for those who choose not to understand the context in which this answer applies, that you would obviously not respond this way to someone close to you, or with a person expressing an immediate peril.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I work in a hospital where I do a lot of filing by the patients' last names. It is chic now to use two last names, such as "Jane Doe Smith" or "Jane Doe-Smith." In those cases, is it filed under D or S?

People using two last names do not realize the problems they have created.

GENTLE READER: You will love visiting Spain, which has been using double surnames since the 16th century.

While Miss Manners is ready to defend the right of people to choose their own names, the filing system belongs to you (or the hospital, anyway). If you are still using paper, you can pick whatever convention you like, even if it is not technically correct -- for example, you might decide that "last name" means "anything after the last space." The patients themselves will never know. If you are using electronic systems, all that matters is that the first person who creates the file asks the patient what to put in the "last name" field.

Next customer!

DEAR MISS MANNERS: When having guests over for dinner, I am unable to find a gracious way to refuse alcohol to those who will be driving. I generally don't give it as an option when asking what they would like to drink, but they often request a glass of wine nonetheless.

It's not that I associate with lushes and felons, but I personally would prefer not to serve any alcohol to a designated driver.

GENTLE READER: The gracious -- and perfectly acceptable -- way is not to serve alcohol to anyone.

Miss Manners assumes that people are asking because they see it being offered to other guests, a problem that would go away if it was nowhere in evidence. Any other solution, even one motivated by a desire to protect your guests from harm, cannot avoid also looking like an intrusion into personal autonomy and a negative judgment on character.

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2026-06-25 Miss Manners

Thu, 25 Jun 2026 01:00:07 GMT

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I am an aunt to a niece who is married with two sons. She's always been somewhat naive about certain things. This last Christmas, she gave me a $25 gift card to a place where I get pedicures. I was somewhat surprised, as a pedicure here costs $49.

She and her husband make a combined income of over $150,000. They recently moved into a home costing $800,000, and I gave them $3,000 to have the interior painted by a professional. I generously give them money for their kids' college funds, as well as other things. I enjoy being a part of their lives and I can afford to be generous.

I am not complaining about the size of her gift. My concern is that she doesn't seem to understand appropriate gift card amounts. I once had someone educate me along these lines as to what dollar amount is an appropriate wedding gift. When I later married, I received a $10 gift from a couple, both of whom had enjoyed the reception's prime rib dinner and open bar. I was appalled.

Am I out of bounds in wanting to educate my niece as to what is appropriate? My instinct is to talk to my sister, her mother, about this. Her mom avoids talking to her daughter about most things as she doesn't want to upset her.

GENTLE READER: In her own naive way, Miss Manners notices that your concern about gift cards requires a remarkable number of dollar signs to express.

You no doubt meant to say that with gifts, it is the thought that matters. Full stop. Fortunately, good manners prevent you from talking to your niece -- or anyone else as a go-between -- about how you think she should behave.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: How do you extend an invitation to someone to do something together if you're not offering to pay for them? Say a concert or play is coming up, and you know someone who would like to go. Of course, you would like to sit together.

Is it polite to say, "Hey, that band you like is coming here in June. Tickets are (dollar amount). Would you rather grab your own ticket, or should I grab yours when I get ours so we can sit together?"

I have always felt awkward when inviting people in these situations, but have also been stuck when the friend doesn't pay me back. If it's my treat, I'll just say, "I got us tickets!" But when I want them to join but can't afford to pay for them, it is harder to be clear.

GENTLE READER: That is two questions, but Miss Manners does not mind, particularly as you already answered one yourself.

Your form for asking is serviceable -- when you know the friend is going to pay you back. When that is doubtful, buy your own tickets and leave them to buy theirs. Rather than sit together, you can meet up for drinks in the lobby at intermission.

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2026-06-26 Miss Manners

Fri, 26 Jun 2026 01:00:10 GMT

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I was taught that women sit with their legs together, just crossed at the ankles. My daughter is trying to have her daughter not cross her legs, but she sees all those TV women sit that way.

GENTLE READER: Miss Manners has noticed that a few notable women on TV (as opposed to "TV women") have actually been crossing their legs at the ankle -- including a certain pop star who particularly appeals to young girls.

She suggests that you have your daughter point this out to your granddaughter, perhaps adding some extra admiration for how elegant it makes her look. Finding a disliked celebrity with the offending crossed legs is optional. But perhaps equally effective.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: My husband and I are rarely able to get an evening out, so I was very excited to attend a jazz concert at a historic hall. Seated immediately on my left was a gentleman I will refer to as Mr. Penguin, because he wore a shirt covered in a large penguin picture.

Mr. Penguin seemed to have no notion of personal space. He took over the shared armrest and leaned so far into my space that I was forced to smash myself into the corner of my seat. When my body became too cramped, I waited for a small moment when Mr. Penguin leaned forward, and I straightened up in my seat.

That did not stop him from pressing into my arm and shoulder. Despite my stiff shoulder, Mr. Penguin did not take the hint and continued to "play along" with the orchestra, flailing his arms like he was playing the piano, drums, sax, trumpet or whatever, all the time jostling my entire body.

Unfortunately, there was no intermission when I could ask Mr. Penguin to refrain from bouncing me in my own seat or when I could enlist the help of concert hall staff. The rows were very narrow, and if I had gotten up, my husband and the rest of the row would have had to stand to let me pass. I would have disturbed our entire row, plus all those seated behind us.

I spent the majority of the concert wondering what Miss Manners would recommend. I even longed for the days of hat pins. What would have been the civil way to manage the situation?

GENTLE READER: By gently putting your hand on his and whispering pleasantly, "Do you mind?" If Mr. Penguin cannot figure out what he should mind, Miss Manners recommends you point to one of the myriad body parts in violation.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: Is it proper for a dinner guest to give an additional tip to a server after the host has paid the check and given a substantial tip?

GENTLE READER: If the guest is trying to make the host look bad, it is not proper. But if the guest asked for a special accommodation, broke something or is otherwise issuing a bribe, Miss Manners is inclined, as you should be, to look the other way.

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2026-06-27 Miss Manners

Sat, 27 Jun 2026 01:00:09 GMT

DEAR MISS MANNERS: What is the proper way to protect one's bosom while eating?

To put it in perspective, I am quite short. When at a restaurant, the table often hits at my bust line. When I eat, I am sitting away from the table, and am not tall enough to lean over slightly. Anything that falls, from soup to nuts, so to speak, lands on my "shelf" and the napkin placed on my lap is useless.

I suppose I could tuck the napkin in my collar, but that seems like I am wearing a bib, which I equate with babies. Sometimes I hold the soup bowl with one hand and the spoon in the other, but that seems to border on barbaric. Other times, I try to hold the napkin in one hand to catch any dribbles.

I know I cannot be the only person who is constantly trying to hide the drips on her clothing. Please help all of us short, full-figured ladies.

GENTLE READER: The napkin-holding method sounds good. Or try wearing a top that matches your soup. But for foods that are more crumbly and less stain-y, Miss Manners finds leather (or a stain-resistant slippery equivalent) a helpful material for getting things to slide right to the floor. Just do not wear leather on the bottom half, lest your napkin slide off, too.

Or you might just bring along a seat cushion.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: Most mornings, I stop at a deli to get a bagel for breakfast. Sometimes as I approach the door, a man is also approaching a little ahead of me, and will stop and open it for me.

If I enter the deli first, should I continue to the counter and order, or should I stop and allow him to order first?

GENTLE READER: Since this gentleman has been considerate, you should be, too. Once you are both inside, a hand gesture to the counter that indicates "after you" would be gracious.

And then he can choose to acquiesce or continue to let you go first. Fortunately, if this is the same man each time, or a small rotation of them, you will only have to do it once before establishing a routine.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: My sister gave me a generous gift card to a restaurant that I will probably go to with her. Can I treat her using that gift card, paying the balance of the bill (if applicable) myself?

It feels weird to do that. Am I really treating her if it was her money originally, given to me in the gift card? I wouldn't have any problem using a gift card from somebody else to pay for my sister's meal.

GENTLE READER: Is there no one else you can use it on besides your sister? Because Miss Manners agrees that it is weird to use the card on the person who gave it to you -- and awkward to then feel an obligation to pay for the rest yourself. If that was your sister's intention, then she is not a very gracious present-giver.

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2026-06-29 Miss Manners

Mon, 29 Jun 2026 06:00:06 GMT

DEAR MISS MANNERS: What is the correct way to deal with being stood up for social plans?

Over the years, people have said things to me such as, "I'm going to break off our lunch plans for today, OK? I'm going to lunch with someone else." Or, "I can't meet you for breakfast on Saturday like we'd planned; I'm going to go and play golf with Dolores." Or, at the last minute, "I can't go to see the play with you this evening. My boyfriend says we're going someplace else."

Sometimes people simply fail to show up for plans made in advance, without a word of apology or explanation, ever. Upon next seeing them, they behave as though nothing had ever happened. If I gently inquire about what happened, they engage in defensive, manipulative behavior, gaslighting and offering non sequiturs.

At such moments, I have always said kind and polite things to these people, but I have difficulty in understanding them. I was brought up with parents who leaned heavily on manners, social skills and all matters of social responsibility.

After being treated like this, my tendency is to view the situation as the ball now being in their court. The only person whose behavior I can control is my own. I say and do nothing further and remain polite, but at arm's length. I no longer reach out to them with friendly gestures and efforts until they can prove that it is a genuine, mutual, courteous friendship.

Perhaps this is a good way to screen for friendships.

What are your thoughts on the subject? Any suggestions concerning what I could or should be doing?

GENTLE READER: Socializing with people who respect you?

They are increasingly hard to find, Miss Manners realizes. The idea has gotten around that it is charming to be spontaneous in one's social life, unbound by the rigid code that required making or declining commitments, and then following through by showing up -- or not showing up, if one has declined.

There is something you can say to those last-minute offenders: "I wish you had bailed out earlier; I would have made plans of my own."

DEAR MISS MANNERS: Please explain how to administer a Cut, a Dead Cut, and a Cut Absolute.

GENTLE READER: A Cut is pretending not to see someone who is obviously within sight. A Dead Cut is staring right at the person without any acknowledgment. And a Cut Absolute is whipping around upon seeing the person and walking away.

Miss Manners hopes that she is not fueling feuds by providing these definitions. She attaches to each of them a label that says, "Caution! Highly dangerous socially, with difficult side effects. To be used only in extreme cases."

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2026-06-30 Miss Manners

Tue, 30 Jun 2026 01:00:13 GMT

DEAR MISS MANNERS: My husband and I were on the coast and stopped at a quaint place for lunch. I ordered a lobster tail, which came with the shell on. When I started to open it, it suddenly flew off my plate and out into the dining room somewhere.

Being an independent and adventurous woman, I decided to go track it down and found myself wandering around the venue, peering sidewise under tables until I finally located the orange shell. I picked it up and went back to my table where my husband was in convulsions.

Now mind you, it was summer, so of course I was wearing white pants.

I tried to calm my husband, acknowledging that it was indeed quite not normal for people's lunch to fly into the center of a dining room. But he said it was not so much that I went looking for my lunch, but the deep gooey brown stain I had all over my backside that had been on display throughout my search.

Horrified, I peered around to check, and indeed, there was a thick gooey dark substance smeared all over the seat of my pants. I then discovered additional evidence of there having been brown droppings on the chair where I had been seated.

The question I am left with is: What kind of a tip should one be expected to leave in such a situation?

GENTLE READER: Aren't you going to charge entertainment tax? And perhaps request alimony?

Leaving aside the marital failing for the moment, Miss Manners can assure you that you needn't indulge in retrospective embarrassment. Small accidents, although no fault of your own, may cause this. Had you merely walked around peering under people's tables, unkind people may have snickered -- and resolved not to order the lobster.

But adding the pants display made it so awful that no one would have had the emotional freedom to make fun of you. They were all too busy being grateful that it had not happened to themselves.

To answer your question: One should always tip extra when causing extra work. Presumably the staff will have to clean up that chair -- although, how did the mess get there?

But there is another question you should be asking. It is a sacred marital duty to rescue one's spouse from a difficult, not to say ludicrous, situation. What was yours doing while you went lobster hunting? Laughing? Eating his own lobster? Pretending he was not with you?

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I got in line at the grocery store checkout, quickly followed by another woman behind me. Apparently, she thought she should have gotten my place in line, as she began loudly grumbling about the rudeness of people!

When we approached the checkout counter, she still grumbled. So I asked her to go ahead of me. She looked startled and shook her head dismissively. I insisted, saying she had only one item, whereas I had several.

She darted ahead without a word as though I'd insulted her. My common courtesy ruined her day.

GENTLE READER: Unkind people would condemn this as passive-aggressive behavior. Miss Manners commends it as better than the usual aggressive-aggressive behavior -- and more effective.

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2026-07-01 Miss Manners

Wed, 01 Jul 2026 00:00:17 GMT

DEAR MISS MANNERS: Will you please write something about people not talking from their windows, especially from a second-floor window to someone below at the door?

GENTLE READER: While she agrees that it is impolite to yell at all hours and disturb the neighbors, Miss Manners cannot agree to the more absolute ban you seek. It would do away with a sizable portion of the opera and musical theater repertoire.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I have a nice friend who goes out of his way to do kind things for me. I'm an independent woman, but I'm also a new real estate agent who doesn't make much money yet, so I appreciate it when he picks up the bill!

He has previously expressed romantic interest in me, which I thought I had quashed. But three times in the past four days, he has paid for outings and/or meals for me. In one case, out of a group of six people, I learned that my meal alone was on him (which he says was an accident). The next night, at another group dinner with friends, he pulled the waiter aside to pay for my meal and no one else's.

After the third event where he tried to pay, I put my foot down. We are not in a romantic relationship and I want to keep it that way. After dinner, I said, "Thanks! I sent you $50 electronically." He then lost it and told me to leave. I asked why he keeps insisting on paying for me, and he said I'm the only one who has a problem with it.

I know there are much bigger problems in the world right now, but I was raised to say "thanks" and contribute where I can. I've tried using humor -- joking that he's my dad, hoping he gets the message. His constantly paying for me, but no one else in our group of friends, makes me feel controlled and uncomfortable.

I want to continue to be friends with this person, but don't need him paying my bill every time. Can you think of another way to send this message?

GENTLE READER: While falling short of making you feel like his wife, your friend's actions declare him to be your date. But as that was without your consent, and far from your intention, Miss Manners is afraid that you have to insist that his paying for your meals has to stop. If he persists, you must explain that it will not result in his being promoted to your boyfriend. Instead, it would lead to his no longer being your friend of any kind.

You might add that you would regret that outcome, if you want to soften the blow.

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2026-07-02 Miss Manners

Thu, 02 Jul 2026 01:00:08 GMT

DEAR MISS MANNERS: My daughter was recently married -- a second marriage both for her and for her new husband. They had a lovely ceremony and invited close family and good friends -- well, some good friends.

Three of my daughter's friends work with her new husband's ex-wife. The couple received neither cards nor gifts from this trio. She feels they have been manipulated by the ex. What should she do?

1. Should she not send a thank-you note to them?

2. Should she just send a note thanking them for attending and celebrating?

3. Should she send a card thanking them for attending, with a P.S. such as, "I fear your card/gift was lost"? She does not value the friendship of these three ladies and wants to shame them for their lack of class and manners.

GENTLE READER: Before we get to the how, Miss Manners wants to be sure she understands the goal, which is to "shame" three guests at your daughter's wedding for their "lack of class and manners," presumably while having your daughter display her own.

But we have a problem. Three, actually.

First, the trio breached no rules of etiquette or good taste -- at least nothing that you have related. Wedding gifts are not, you will be surprised to hear, mandatory. So we have nothing to charge them with.

Second, you do not send thank-you letters simply because someone attended your wedding; thanking them for attending would therefore not demonstrate your daughter's familiarity with etiquette, but rather, the reverse. This eliminates one of your proposed courses of action.

Third, shaming (or extorting) guests is a serious breach of etiquette. This eliminates another proposed course of action. To answer your question then, if your daughter wants to demonstrate her good manners, she should forget about this trio and enjoy her honeymoon.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: A few years ago, my mother-in-law, an amateur painter, gave my husband and me a large portrait of ourselves. I don't wish to judge the skill of the artist, but will say that it was "not our thing." We thanked her profusely and hung it up for a few years in a remote corner of the house.

We have since moved to a smaller place without the space to display it, so it's been packed away in a closet. Now my husband wishes to get rid of it altogether.

Setting aside the question of whether any secondhand store would even want it, what is the appropriate etiquette? We are likely never to hang up this painting again, but I feel guilty disposing of a heartfelt, homemade gift that's so personal in nature.

GENTLE READER: Paintings can be removed from their frames, rolled and shoved into a tube at the back of a closet. This way if you absolutely have to produce it at a later date, you can claim that it was in storage while you thought about reframing it. Consider yourself lucky your mother-in-law did not take up sculpting.

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2026-07-03 Miss Manners

Fri, 03 Jul 2026 00:00:09 GMT

DEAR MISS MANNERS: When I moved to the U.S., I found quite a bit of difference in the dinner party etiquette compared to my home country. When an American co-worker invited me and other friends for dinner with his family at home, it turned out to be extremely stressful, as I was more concerned about avoiding a cultural faux pas than enjoying the dinner.

In my home country, unless asked by the host, the guests are not expected to bring gifts, dishes, wine, etc. During a sit-down dinner, the hosts would serve everyone else before serving themselves, and it is considered extremely rude to start eating before the guests.

It is also frowned upon for the guests to help themselves to multiple servings without getting a cue from the host. This means it is kind of important for the host to periodically coax the guests to take a second or third serving and to ensure everyone has had a chance to try every dish.

During the dinner I attended, I never got the opportunity to try out all the dishes, as the host never mentioned them or they were kept at the other end of the table. How do I approach such a scenario? When everyone is busy talking and eating, is it appropriate to yell out to the person closest to the dish to pass it over?

Also, during the dinner, we ran out of gravy. Would it have been appropriate to ask the host to refill it? I have been invited over for dinner by another friend, and don't want to offend the host accidentally.

GENTLE READER: The dinner party etiquette you cite is not peculiar to your home country. It is a general standard for being a good host. If there is a cultural element in opposition, Miss Manners' guess would be an American bias against being "too formal."

But as you and she have noticed, the impending result is not casual, just thoughtless.

A good host should always be looking out for the guests' comfort: refilling glasses, making sure everyone is served everything, offering more when plates are empty. But even a proficient host cannot see everything, so guests are allowed such polite prompts as, "Oh, dear, we seem to be out of gravy," "Please pass the creamed spinach" and even, "This steak was delicious ..." in hope of getting more.

The key is to state these things helpfully and not as a rebuke. Although perhaps in your co-worker's case, the latter may have been warranted.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: When people sit on machines at the gym that others want to use, texting and reading their phones, they may just be taking a break between sets. Usually there are three sets of 10 to 12 reps, and they rest their muscles for a few minutes in between. Sometimes people are willing to alternate with someone else during their rest period.

GENTLE READER: OK ...?

If you are one of those people, and do not mind asking tactfully whether they are pausing or finished, do so. But those who are, perhaps, more timid and just want to do their workouts may not be quite so understanding about having to wait for others to post their stories before they can use public machines. Miss Manners will therefore continue to support them -- while you continue to wait.

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2026-07-04 Miss Manners

Sat, 04 Jul 2026 01:00:06 GMT

DEAR MISS MANNERS: We have a good friend who lives near us and is part of a circle of friends who attend each other's gatherings. This friend has become a doomscroller and is very agitated with the political scene. I have asked him to please just try to enjoy our time together and keep the mood light at the parties we host. However, he can't seem to avoid bringing up politics, and is intolerant of views that don't align with his.

We feel like we must keep inviting him, as he lives nearby and would notice the cars in our driveway. Asking him nicely to respect our request hasn't worked. What should we do?

GENTLE READER: One cannot police the conversation, even at one's own party. But one can check on your other guests if you find them uncomfortably trapped by your neighbor friend, saying, "Joland, we talked about this. You promised you wouldn't depress everyone with political talk at our parties. Now, let's go get dessert. We made a lovely pavlova with strawberries from our garden ..."

Miss Manners -- and Joland -- know perfectly well that he made no such promise. But saving your guests from him -- and him from himself -- will no doubt be appreciated.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: Is it impolite to send a handwritten note as an RSVP when directed on the wedding invitation to use a QR code instead?

GENTLE READER: No, it is not impolite. That it will also annoy the hosts is just butter on the bread.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: Most seasons, I have dry skin and need to use lotion after I wash my hands. I prefer not to do this in a public restroom, but rather at the table upon my return. I do this discreetly, of course, often just under the table in restaurants.

I am more comfortable locating the lotion container in my purse when sitting down, rather than in the restroom, what with wet counters, etc. But my husband feels this is not proper. (He has eagle eyes and notices everything.) What do you think?

GENTLE READER: That Miss Manners has heard of worse offenses. And your rationalization sounds reasonable.

But the fact that it annoys your spouse nullifies both of our opinions. She suggests you pose the problem to him and see what he advises. The prospect of holding dry, cracked hands after dinner might persuade him that moisturizing under the table is the lesser offense.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: A friend of ours is in a dire financial situation. She is presently in foreclosure of her home.

She sent us a $50 check as a gift for our new baby. I told her I would not deposit it, knowing her situation. She insists I do.

I am still holding on to it. What is the proper thing to do?

GENTLE READER: Deposit it. She insisted; she is already embarrassed enough about her situation, and this is no time to confuse her about what she has left in the bank.

Miss Manners suggests you then come up with a tactful and similarly face-saving gesture to help her. Providing meals, groceries or some accounting assistance might be more useful to her than the $50.

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2026-07-06 Miss Manners

Mon, 06 Jul 2026 06:00:06 GMT

DEAR MISS MANNERS: The oddest thing started happening to me when I reached my 80s: Strangers began approaching me to tell me how beautiful I am. It continues regularly at the supermarket, at restaurants or on the bus.

It is unnerving and embarrassing. All my life, no one ever told me I was cute or attractive. I am not ugly, but I've never thought I was pretty, either.

Have you heard from other elderly ladies who have experienced this phenomenon? If so, what do they attribute it to? I'm stumped.

GENTLE READER: You are presumably classifying this with the patronizing remarks that are often made to old people, especially women: pretending to mistake their age, addressing them as if they were trying to pass for young, and speaking to them as if they were cute children. There is plenty of that going around.

But there is also a less condescending possibility: The admiration may actually be sincere.

Our society is far from throwing off the notion that aging is unfortunate, if not reprehensible. But Miss Manners has seen small signs that older women are not considered as invisible as they used to be. Powerful women are conspicuous in politics and business. Actresses who are no longer ingenues make striking appearances, not only in dramas, but also at formal events. Even the fashion industry is beginning to realize that the slim youngsters they have always favored have considerably less buying power than their seniors.

Then it becomes noticeable that, as with older men, some are more attractive than others. The standard for beauty is obviously different. Beauty in the freshness of youth is not the same as beauty in the majesty of old age.

So you might consider the possibility that although you were not considered pretty when young, you are now beautiful. And that some people are sophisticated enough to recognize that.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: As a woman in her 70s who looks her age, I increasingly find myself in situations where service people talk down to me. They probably think they are being flattering, but I don't see it that way.

For instance, I recently had a haircut and the stylist called me "Gorgeous" several times, as in, "Would you like me to trim your bangs, Gorgeous?"

Then there was an oral surgeon who kept calling me "young lady." I didn't want to be snarky with a man who was about to drill into my jawbone, so I said nothing. What can I (politely) say to these people to let them know their remarks aren't appreciated?

GENTLE READER: All right, this is the patronizing version of complimenting the elderly. Those who call you "young lady" do not actually believe you are young; they believe that you want to pass for young. And there is a difference between blurting out that a woman is beautiful and addressing her by the cheeky title of "Gorgeous."

But as you said, it is often unwise to retaliate, pointing out that these people are trying -- and failing -- to pass for charming. Especially if they are armed with a drill. The real comeback will be when that surgeon is old and young men call him "young fella" and young women tell him he is cute.

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2026-07-07 Miss Manners

Tue, 07 Jul 2026 02:00:08 GMT

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I know this will probably sound trivial, but: Who should decide who gets the leftover birthday cake?

See? I told you it was trivial.

I made a birthday cake for my nephew. While I was icing it, I mentioned to his mom (my sister-in-law) that we could share the leftovers. She replied that it was his cake, so he got all of it. I dropped the subject at the time, as it wasn't worth fighting over.

That night, we sang "Happy Birthday" and sliced into the cake. Then my sister-in-law said, "Just think, Jasper: That's all yours."

This time I was not silent. In my sweetest voice, I said, "But you'll share some with me."

Then my sister-in-law started talking about how it wasn't good manners, that the cake belonged to the birthday boy and that even though I made it, it wasn't mine.

So, is the cake part of his birthday present? Or is the hostess or the baker the one who decides how the food should be distributed?

GENTLE READER: Apparently you do consider this worth fighting over.

And a most unseemly battle it is, on both sides. Miss Manners' only sympathies are with the child, whose birthday was hijacked by two grown-ups haggling over his leftover cake.

She is forced to rule that the cake was, in effect, presented to the nephew, as the dessert to be shared with everyone at the table. So, no -- the baker should not make off with what is left.

Years later, your nephew's wife will wonder why he begs her not to present him with a birthday cake, which would stir memories of his mother and aunt quarreling.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I am on a very limited income. A stamp is nearly a dollar, and that dollar can buy me a can of generic soup. I get free internet access, so email messages are how I write.

Should I give up a meal to send someone a thank-you note in the mail? Are their delicate sensibilities more important than me eating?

GENTLE READER: Congratulations on your attempt to make it seem heartless to express gratitude to others. No doubt you picture Miss Manners harassing the unhoused for not giving dinner parties.

But yes, the delicate sensibilities of people who have been generous to you are important. You should be thanking them as best you can. Are those emails more than perfunctory notes? Are they specific and convincingly grateful?

Miss Manners worries about that. The example of how you approached her, to whom you owe nothing but common civility, is not reassuring.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: Is it proper to have a housewarming party for a man and woman who are building a house together, but aren't married?

GENTLE READER: Only if their building permit is legal.

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2026-07-08 Miss Manners

Wed, 08 Jul 2026 01:00:06 GMT

DEAR MISS MANNERS: Several years ago, after a long and unhappy marriage, I finally found the strength to leave my husband. It was one of the hardest decisions I've ever made, but I knew I needed to do it for my own well-being.

Because our son was in high school at the time, his dad and I agreed that we would leave it up to him whether he wanted to split his time between us. For a few years, that arrangement actually worked well. I was grateful that we could both stay present in his life in a way that seemed to feel stable for him.

But when the divorce became final and his dad moved away, something shifted. He stopped talking to me. I still don't fully understand why. I've replayed conversations in my head more times than I can count, wondering if I missed something or could have handled things differently.

I haven't given up hope, and I don't plan to. He is my son, and I love him deeply -- that will never change. What I struggle with now is something that may seem small, but that catches me off guard every time: people asking me, "How is your son?"

I never quite know how to respond. I don't want to overshare. I don't want to make anyone uncomfortable. But I also don't want to pretend everything is fine when it isn't. Sometimes I feel a lump in my throat before I can even answer. What would be the best way to answer this question?

GENTLE READER: If you demonstrate that things are not fine, a reasonable person is going to worry about you. And while there are people who live to worry, Miss Manners doubts that even they are happy to take on the job on behalf of people with whom they are not close.

This makes your preconditions challenging. She does not say this either to make light of your situation or to reject your challenge.

The etiquette answer is to say, "We haven't spoken recently, but I understand he is doing really well. Thank you so much for asking." That answers what you were asked, yet should make it clear that you are not open to casual questions about him.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: When introduced to someone who has a strong accent and you cannot understand their speech, how should this be handled? I usually politely ask them to repeat their statement, but what do you do when you still cannot understand them?

GENTLE READER: It depends on how much you need to understand them. At a cocktail party, nodding and smiling may suffice. In other situations, you might have to ask them to write it out or, in commercial situations, transfer you to someone else.

Miss Manners finds that taking the blame upon oneself is an easy way to avoid hurt feelings: "I'm so sorry, I'm having trouble hearing you -- would you mind writing it out for me?"

Just don't use this line in a doctor's office, where you would risk being sent to the audiologist.

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2026-07-09 Miss Manners

Thu, 09 Jul 2026 00:00:09 GMT

DEAR MISS MANNERS: Is it acceptable to invite more people to your wedding than may be accommodated, on the theory that inevitably some invitees will decline? Does it matter whether the limit is set by law, venue policy or logistical necessity?

GENTLE READER: How much of a gambler are you?

Most people invite more people than they expect to accept because, unless you are hosting an all-expenses paid wedding in Venice, someone is going to decline.

But once you have invited people, you are stuck with them. That is the rock.

The hard place is that neither the law nor the venue will be moved by the fact that you invited more people than can be accommodated. Not knowing exactly what you mean by "logistical necessity," it is harder for Miss Manners to evaluate its elasticity.

Assuming you fit within the law and the venue requirements, you will know better than Miss Manners if the guests will mind being packed in close enough that they have to be careful not to spill soup on one another -- they're your family and friends.

This is why the A and B lists were invented.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: We live on a cul-de-sac. Our backyard faces a busy two-lane road with no sidewalk. A state-owned dune separates the road from our backyard. I built a makeshift path over that dune, which affords me quick access to a bus stop about half a mile away.

On two occasions, I was informed by guests staying in our house that a stranger (I'm assuming it's the same person) was spotted using the path, and, subsequently, our backyard. Should that person have knocked on our door to ask for permission? Whoever he is, he probably lives nearby.

GENTLE READER: On the subject of invisible boundary lines, you have crossed one of particular interest to Miss Manners, in this case the delineation between etiquette and law.

Lawyers and town councilors will talk about public easements and your right to restrict access. If you are asking about the etiquette, you apparently do not mind the occasional visitor, so long as proper respect is shown you.

A neighbor should be possible to spot and intercept with a personal greeting. This will give you an opportunity to say how you love sitting out on your lawn with a book, and them the chance to thank you (or rethink) their passing through.

This is less obtrusive than posting a sign at the property line -- and much less annoying than having the person come even further onto the property to ring the doorbell, which you will then have to answer. Or, if this is too much trouble, you can just forget about it.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I am living in in the U.S. while my remaining family lives in Germany. One brother comes to visit once a year. He insists on sleeping on the couch. I have a guest room, but he says he can't sleep without a TV on.

What can I do?

GENTLE READER: Move the television into the guest room while your brother is in residence, or walk very quietly through the living room, Miss Manners would think.

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2026-07-10 Miss Manners

Fri, 10 Jul 2026 01:00:11 GMT

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I hosted a former colleague for a weekend. Like any proud grandmother, she wished to show me a video of her granddaughters singing, to which I happily consented.

I was less pleased, however, when my houseguest proceeded to scroll endlessly through her phone during our simple repast at the dinner table, searching for a specific video to show me. After being shown several videos, only to be told, "Oh, no, it's not that one," I gently suggested that it might be easier to search for and enjoy the correct video after we had finished our dinner.

My guest assured me she would certainly find the video very shortly. I sat patiently through several other videos, which she showed me from her phone propped up by a water glass.

This woman comes from a politically prominent family and has travelled widely. She is often admired for her good taste. I was nonplussed that she did not catch the meaning of my gentle redirection.

Is there a polite way to ask a houseguest who is oblivious to a polite suggestion to cease and desist questionable table manners?

GENTLE READER: Better judgment may vanish when one becomes a grandparent. How else do you explain the gaudy toys and sugar binges that were strictly prohibited from one's own children?

Grandparents cannot be expected to show polite restraint. All you can do in a situation such as yours is to repeat the request to finish the task later, make a show of putting your own phone away or say that dinner is getting cold.

But Miss Manners congratulates you on using the word "nonplussed" correctly. May you take comfort in that while you silently seethe at all the videos you were forced to watch.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: During several recent doctor visits, my "quiet" stay in the waiting room was disturbed by rude people dictating text messages out loud. The words were bad enough, but they also had to add the punctuation as they dictated.

As a former English teacher, am I equally as rude by correcting their grammar in front of the other patients in the waiting room? Or are they fair game, since they infringed on others' air space?

GENTLE READER: Not equally rude. Somehow even more so.

As Miss Manners' gentle readers well know, one does not reciprocate bad manners. And between talking too loud and publicly correcting someone's grammar, the latter is the greater offense. No matter how good the syntax with which it is uttered.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: One of my neighbors, a semi-sweet lady, has a Pomeranian that barks at everything and oftentimes nothing at all. This neighbor invited me to pet her dog and was offended when I declined.

What's a good way to let pet owners know I am not a kindred spirit?

GENTLE READER: Lest your neighbor deem you "unsweetened," Miss Manners suggests you come up with a viable excuse. Perhaps, "Oh, thank you, but my hands are dirty," which all hands not freshly washed may be assumed to be. (Note that saying, "I just washed them, so I'd better not," would not have the same effect.)

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2026-07-11 Miss Manners

Sat, 11 Jul 2026 02:00:06 GMT

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I would like to explain why some people put their feet on the furniture, or tuck their feet under and sit on them.

The women in my family are short. Most furniture is designed for people taller than us. Our feet do not reach the floor, nor do they reach the stools or ottomans that are usually placed a long-legged length away. Our backs hurt after (properly) sitting on most furniture. One hour of dangling feet equals three days of back pain.

In our homes, we each have a small chair for our own comfort. When we spend time in public, at friends' houses or at each other's places, we find ourselves tucking at least one foot under, or sitting sideways in the corner of a couch with crossed legs. My daughters and I frequently fight over the corners.

We don't stay long in places where sitting properly means that we will be in pain. We usually ask our host(ess) if we can tuck up our impeccably clean feet after we explain the pain of being short.

GENTLE READER: "The pain of being short"?

Miss Manners herself suffers from that affliction. And yet somehow she has managed never to have put her bare feet on other people's furniture. So forgive her if she remains steadfast in requiring that the rest of the population behave similarly.

However, in the game of "I get an exception for medical reasons," she applauds your effort and originality.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: My best friend's birthday was coming up, and two other friends and I wanted to get her something special. I came up with a gift idea, and they liked it.

One of the other friends (Friend 2) also came up with another gift idea. Both ideas were kind of expensive, so the three of us agreed to split the costs of both gifts.

Then, Friend 2 was not able to attend the party because of another event she wanted to go to. She thought we should refrain from giving the gifts at the party and wait for another time when she was available.

I, however, wanted to be able to give a gift to my friend at her party, so I suggested we could take one gift to the party and she could keep the other gift for another time.

Friend 2 suggested instead I should come up with a third gift for the party. Friend 3 didn't seem to have an opinion about the situation.

Was my solution so wrong?

GENTLE READER: Yours was a reasonable solution to an unreasonable problem: that Friend 2 wants credit for both presents at her own fluctuating convenience. Miss Manners suggests you stick with the new plan -- and with Friend 3, who seems far more reasonable and even-keeled than 2.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: When is the proper time to attach an anniversary band to your wife's wedding band?

GENTLE READER: While you are still married.

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2026-07-13 Miss Manners

Mon, 13 Jul 2026 06:00:07 GMT

DEAR MISS MANNERS: After several miscarriages, a friend is finally pregnant via IVF. While the couple is thrilled, they often find themselves in the presence of others who are having trouble conceiving or who have given up.

Since they had their share of trouble, they certainly understand, but it's as if their mere presence is now resented. At a recent event, where they made no mention of the baby, two other guests having trouble conceiving actually said this couple shouldn't have come "with her belly."

Do pregnant women and mothers with babies now have to hide lest they be seen as insensitive just by existing? My friend was even asked by family not to have a shower because of a relative who is having trouble getting pregnant.

GENTLE READER: This is one of the saddest letters Miss Manners has ever received. Not because of the difficulties of conceiving, which is tragic enough, but because of what it says about our relationships to one another.

These are their friends, and they have been through the same struggles! But instead of rejoicing with them, others are shunning them. Is that how these people would want to be treated if they were eventually successful?

Must we consider life to be a zero-sum game, where one person's happiness is a blight to others? If the still-childless people cannot be happy that their friends were successful, can't they at least try to see it as hope that perseverance might be rewarded?

Comparing oneself with others leads to a miserable life. One can always find someone who is richer, better looking or more successful. You have only to go on social media to find countless examples of idealized lives that are driving teenagers, and probably others, to despair.

Miss Manners understands sensitivity. She knows that there are times when people cannot cope with normal life going on around them. That is why there used to be secluded mourning periods for the bereaved.

The solution is not to try to suppress normal life and begrudge others their good fortune. The way to think of others is with empathy.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I had a good friend who had these lavish dinner parties in her perfect house. I reciprocated often, but started to feel intimidated because we had to move to smaller places and are just not able to be fancy with parties anymore.

I think people who go all out giving perfect dinner parties intimidate friends who cannot do the same. That's why they don't reciprocate.

GENTLE READER: And that's the thanks they get for going to a lot of trouble to give you a splendid dinner?

You say this was a good friend, so presumably the main attraction at these dinner parties was enjoying her company, not competing over the format of the gathering.

What your friend deserves is evidence that you like being with her enough to initiate an occasional gathering. Miss Manners assures you that not doing so plants the idea that while you are willing to dine out, you are not interested in more contact.

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2026-07-14 Miss Manners

Tue, 14 Jul 2026 00:00:09 GMT

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I attended a bridal shower for my friend's future daughter-in-law. Little did I know that I was going to be raked over the coals by my daughter and her friends for wearing a casual white dress.

My daughter called me selfish, and her friends stated that if it was their shower, they would purposefully spill red wine on my dress.

When was it decided that Gen Z and millennials can tell someone 30 years their senior what to wear?

I am clearly not the bride, nor will I outshine the bride. This "rule" did not exist when I was married in the 1990s. I would have never told someone what they could wear unless it was a rule from the event venue. Please let me know how you feel about this behavior and rule.

GENTLE READER: Well, it wouldn't take much to outshine this bride as a human being. Or her supporters -- including your daughter, unfortunately.

They are doing what etiquette is falsely accused of doing: insisting on the letter of the law without regard to extenuating circumstances, much less to human decency. And of course they are going a step beyond by suggesting that this supposed infraction be punished not by the snobbish, withering looks they attribute to etiquette, but by violence.

To make the situation even more ludicrous, they are doing this in ignorance of the rule they seek to enforce. In fact, etiquette has not extended the bridal white convention to cover any events other than the wedding itself. Nor does it allow dictating specific dress instructions, other than establishing a general standard of formality.

More importantly, it does not suspend the need for decent behavior for bridal couples and their cohorts. The popular concept that "it is their day and they can do whatever they want" is responsible for a lot of atrocious behavior, of which you have given an example.

Miss Manners is sorry to say that you will now have to explain all this to your daughter.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: My teenager has begun using a fragrance product that is so potent that the entire house reeks. It's really unpleasant. I will need to address this, but I don't want to offend this genuinely nice, and quite sensitive, young person.

I' m thinking of claiming allergies, but would greatly appreciate guidance as to how to approach this situation tactfully.

GENTLE READER: Do you really think that if you falsely claimed an allergy, your child would not find you out?

Miss Manners considers it wiser to point out that many people do have allergies or objections to strong odors, and that one never knows whom one might be offending. Within the family, you should be entitled to the small request that they honor your admittedly arbitrary objection.

You may be sure that they will then search for some harmless habit of yours to object to, but as you are the parent of a teenager, you doubtless know how to negotiate a truce.

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2026-07-15 Miss Manners

Wed, 15 Jul 2026 01:00:08 GMT

DEAR MISS MANNERS: We lost power from a hurricane for 10 days. We were lucky we suffered no major damage to our home or our property.

However, once gasoline became available, some neighbors began running generators 24 hours a day. It was so noisy that we had to close our windows to sleep, which became the worst part of the hurricane experience.

Unless a person requires one for medical conditions, what do you think should be the proper etiquette for running a generator? I know that if you run it two or three hours in the morning and another two or three hours in the evening, you can power up your freezer and save the contents.

GENTLE READER: Etiquette rules can survive hurricanes (and worse) because they have exceptions to deal with actual circumstances.

This is a perennial source of disappointment to the anti-etiquette crowd, who proudly discover etiquette's fatal flaw by asserting (incorrectly) that it would be rude to shout at someone to warn them of a fast-approaching car.

The rule in your case is that keeping the neighbors up at night is rude, but excusable in the case of unavoidable necessity. The immediate aftermath of a once-in-20-years disaster qualifies.

What does not qualify are events that used to be once-in-20-years, but are now common and manageable. It is also unacceptable to cite the exception long after there has been time to find a more considerate solution, or to ignore consideration for others even when there is no justifying necessity -- which is the point that likely applies to your situation.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: A friend and I were traveling in a foreign country, and were seated for lunch. When I had given the waiter my order, my friend signaled to the waiter by curling her index finger and pointing it towards herself as if to say, "Come closer." I would have preferred she simply smile and look at him to indicate she was ready to order.

Then, when she was halfway across the room paying her bill, she said to me in a loud voice, "Sue, service is already included in the bill," indicating I should not leave a tip.

Her behavior upset me. Am I being too critical?

GENTLE READER: Domestically, your friend's behavior was marginal. Abroad, it will be interpreted as representing the manners of all Americans, so your embarrassment is understandable.

There are, however, limited options if you are to avoid a repetition without being unmannerly yourself:

1. Convince everyone you come in contact with that your friend is so famous or so rich that her behavior is charming. Not only is this difficult to execute, it is equally likely, in the days of social media, to have unintended side effects.

2. Persuade your friend that you will have a more enjoyable vacation if, contrary to popular advice, she behaves less like her daily self, since her outgoing nature is apt to be misunderstood by the locals.

3. Throw yourself between her and any waiter for the remainder of the trip.

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2026-07-16 Miss Manners

Thu, 16 Jul 2026 01:00:09 GMT

DEAR MISS MANNERS: Is it rude to host an outdoor event at our home and limit the indoor access to restroom use only?

My husband is one of seven siblings, who are all married with multiple children; some of those children are grown and married with children, as well. Needless to say, our combined immediate family is very large. We come from different ethnic and cultural backgrounds, and even 10 years in, we still differ on what we feel is appropriate or reasonable to ask of relatives. Hosting such a large family is one issue on which we still can't meet in the middle.

I do not come from a large immediate family, but do have a large extended family, and the protocol for gatherings is still the same: With the exception of formal, black-tie events, one never arrives to a family member's home empty-handed, and if the event is being held outdoors, all guests remain outside with the host.

My in-laws (not all of them, but always the matriarch and patriarch) usually arrive with nothing more than an appetite. And no matter where the host has made accommodations for guests to gather, they always make their way inside the house to watch TV and spill/splatter indoors.

To me, it feels so disrespectful and discourteous. I have accepted feeling this way for many years, but this year, we are hosting a very carefully planned evening backyard graduation party for our middle child. She is my child through marriage, so this event will include our combined immediate family and also my husband's extended family.

For the first time ever, I have asked all attending guests, no matter their status, to respectfully refrain from entering the home for anything other than restroom use. My husband did not feel that was appropriate.

Have I really lost touch?

GENTLE READER: Although she is going to help you get your wish, Miss Manners warns you that what you asked for and what you actually want are not in perfect alignment.

To change your in-laws' longstanding behavior requires both their and your husband's cooperation -- something you have not been able to obtain in a decade of trying.

But this event is different than other informal family gathers: Graduations are unique. (No, scratch that: Children now apparently graduate from everything except summer camp, and someone is no doubt working on that. But for these purposes, we will pretend.)

Convince your husband that for this one unique and more formal event, it would be unkind if everyone did not participate as a family. He will then have to help you convince his side of the family.

The quid pro quo is that you will stop fighting about less formal family events -- which, remember, you were losing anyway.

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2026-07-17 Miss Manners

Fri, 17 Jul 2026 01:00:10 GMT

DEAR MISS MANNERS: As we are in an election year, help me figure out what to say when a friend asks for your political endorsement, but you think she would be terrible in that elected position. I love this friend dearly, but she absolutely does not have the temperament for the job.

GENTLE READER: Maybe, for the sake of the friendship, do not tell her that.

Miss Manners suggests instead something noncommittal such as, "I am so proud of you. What a worthy endeavor!" And when she inevitably presses for your support, "I'm not sure what I'm doing yet, but I think it's so great that you are trying to make the world better."

If she does win, perhaps she will surprise you. Fortunately for the friendship, voting is still private.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: My husband and I had a beautiful in-ground pool installed on our property this year. We live in a very rural area with a lot of land between us and the neighbors.

We have some close friends in the neighborhood and have invited them to swim. Although they have visited and enjoyed sitting by the pool, none have taken the plunge.

A new couple moved into the neighborhood and invited us, along with a couple of other neighbors, to dinner. Upon leaving, I said we would have them over in return sometime.

The husband responded with "Can we swim in your pool?" in a somewhat joking manner. Since I felt that these very respectable people would not take advantage, I said "Sure, anytime."

Our summer has been busy, so we have not had a chance to invite them back. Do we need to hurry before the cooler temperatures set in, so that the invitation can include the swim that he mentioned? Or are we only obligated to honor the promise we made to have them over for dinner?

GENTLE READER: You will be relieved to hear that "Sure, anytime" is not binding. Frankly, Miss Manners is relieved that this question was not about the neighbors taking your words literally and using the pool without your consent.

You indeed are obligated only to invite the neighbors back over eventually. But if it is not before the weather cools, it would be gracious to add your apologies for not doing so during pool season. Then try harder next year.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I notice more and more that in rural/suburban areas, pedestrians, bicycle riders and other people on the road are outright ignoring cars as they pass. That isn't to say they're wandering willy-nilly everywhere, just that they're not acknowledging a wave from the driver in the vehicle.

I was raised to wave at folks on the side of the road, including road workers, bikers and anyone else using the shared space. I am in a device that is larger, faster and could potentially hurt them. By providing a berth and a friendly wave, I'm acknowledging their existence, their right to use the space and respect for their peace. To at least let me know they're aware, can't a wave be returned?

It's a silly thing, perhaps, but it makes me wonder if people know about this tradition on the road.

GENTLE READER: Yes, but maybe we allow the bicyclists a reprieve. So that they can keep both hands on the handlebars.

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2026-07-18 Miss Manners

Sat, 18 Jul 2026 01:00:08 GMT

DEAR MISS MANNERS: Whenever someone brings donuts into the office, there are always a few people who cut a donut in half and leave one half in the box.

I feel this is rude, as it is unappetizing to see food that has been cut up and left. I understand they only want half a donut, but I feel they should take the whole thing and throw half away, or offer it to someone who wants the other half. I don't want to eat someone else's half donut.

Is it polite and appropriate to cut up communal food on a serving platter or box and leave half?

GENTLE READER: Sorry, but as long as a knife is used or the cut is otherwise clean, Miss Manners sees nothing wrong with leaving half a donut. Throwing the other half away is wasteful, and trying to find an immediate taker for it would be tedious.

As consolation, perhaps you can start a movement to have your co-workers bring donut holes to work instead.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: How do you tell someone their pants are too thin?

GENTLE READER: Meaning what? Too tight? Too narrow? Too see-through?

Miss Manners is not sure why she is bothering to clarify because any of the three -- weight, fashion sense or poor eyesight -- would be equally impolite to mention. Unless there is a real problem, such as body parts being unknowingly exposed, you should remain silent. Your opinion on any of these matters is not required.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: My husband is extremely medically sensitive, to the point that he cannot be inside most buildings for more than about 15 minutes. The indoor air quality of all but the most hyper-clean buildings causes him long-term inflammation.

Our fourth grader has his first piano recital coming up. My parents were the ones to sign him up for lessons and have been driving him. My husband and I would like to support our son, but can't afford to compromise my husband's health over it.

There are some things he can do, like wear a respirator and take medication immediately after the exposure, but his doctor recommends against doing this. My husband also hates using the respirator and will rarely wear it.

My mother said that it's all right to leave right after our son plays his piece. I would feel like it would be very rude for us to do that. Isn't it proper etiquette to stay for all the children's pieces at a recital? If my husband's medical exception would somehow exempt him from that rule of etiquette, how should we indicate to others present why we have to leave before the other performances?

GENTLE READER: Long-term inflammation is as good an excuse as Miss Manners has heard for making a swift exit from a children's concert.

If your husband can safely leave on his own, allowing you to stay longer, that would be ideal. If not, tell the other parents that you are afraid you will have to exit right after Eli's piece, but you have a medical issue to which you have to attend. Presumably your parents can fill you in. Just do not be surprised if the other parents start stealing the excuse.

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2026-07-20 Miss Manners

Mon, 20 Jul 2026 00:00:09 GMT

DEAR MISS MANNERS: What is wrong with tourists looking like tourists? Do they expect us to pack fancy clothes?

A local tour guide chewed out all of us Americans for wearing shorts, halter tops, sandals and backpacks. "Would you dress this way in your capital?" he kept saying.

Frankly, yes -- I would, and I have. It's damn hot in our fine capital.

I'm tired of the hostility. We all know that it's our money that supports the countries we visit. Tourism is a good thing. It's a way to get to know foreign cultures.

GENTLE READER: A fair point. And Miss Manners totally agrees that it is ridiculous for tourists to be ashamed of being tourists. Some carry it to the extent of vilifying other tourists -- as opposed to themselves, who identify as "travelers."

But it is difficult to get to know a country when you do not know the language. And Miss Manners does not mean the spoken language. After all, English is widely understood throughout the world, and many tourists make an effort to speak the languages of countries they visit.

But Americans tend to be in denial that there is a language of clothes. Everyone claims to dress either for comfort or to express themselves, yet they are judging other people's appearances by their clothes. And when having weddings, many go so far as to issue specific dress codes and are angry when these are defied.

In many other countries, there is more formality than Americans are used to, and violating this is interpreted as disrespect. To be sure, there are other factors prejudicing local populations against the tourists they attract, notably overcrowding. And some tourists give the rest a bad name by behaving badly, even destructively.

But traveling in lightweight, climate-appropriate clothing without flaunting body parts is not a difficult concession to make to local custom.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: My boyfriend is in a play this weekend. I want to do something special for him, but I don't know what is proper. Please help. Is a corsage old-fashioned? What would be a good idea for this?

GENTLE READER: Sorry, Miss Manners would like to be of help, but a corsage is a bad idea. And not because it is old-fashioned.

Bouquets of flowers are usually presented only to female actors. However, during the curtain call, outstanding -- or maybe just good-looking -- male actors are sometimes pelted with loose flowers by their admirers.

You could do that if the gentleman in question does not embarrass easily. (And if he does, he should probably take up a different hobby.) But it might be better to do something less conspicuous.

If you can take a photograph of him in costume at a rehearsal or fitting, you might frame it, rush at him at whatever passes for a stage door, and beg him to autograph it for you.

A request for him to autograph a program will also do. The point is to behave like an adoring fan.

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2026-07-21 Miss Manners

Tue, 21 Jul 2026 01:00:09 GMT

DEAR MISS MANNERS: Since some political figures have demonstrated and encouraged boorish behavior, what was once seen as good breeding is now eschewed as unnecessary or unmanly. Is there still a place in such a world for civility?

Many cringe-worthy statements are applauded by a (thin) majority of people in the U.S.

GENTLE READER: Well, that's the problem: voters who think that rudeness and vulgarity are signs of strength, and that dignity and the willingness to cooperate in order to get things done are signs of weakness.

And yet people crave to be treated civilly. Miss Manners is often asked what can be done to make our leaders behave in what used to be called a statesmanlike way.

It's called voting.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: My boyfriend is going to be taking me out to a fondue restaurant for our anniversary. What is the etiquette for eating fondue?

GENTLE READER: Mostly to avoid strings of cheese trailing across your chin or onto the table.

It helps to twirl the coated bread over the pot of hot cheese to cool it before returning it to your plate. And Miss Manners advises using your dinner fork to remove it from the cooking fork before eating.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I received a bridal shower invitation indicating the date and location (an hour's drive away) for a day of food, fun and drinks. It also stated to RSVP, which I did.

Twenty days later, I was informed the cost per person was $260 and that full payment was due within 48 hours, as the deposits for transportation, food, etc., had already been paid by the host.

I waited till the 48th hour, then sent a courtesy email indicating I would no longer be attending. I stated that it had nothing to do with the cost itself, just the principle. I felt it was poor etiquette and classless to request RSVPs, yet omit any indication that there would be a cost to attend. The "bait and switch" tactic doesn't sit well with me.

I'm also not invited to the destination wedding. What are your thoughts on this?

GENTLE READER: Are you surprised not to be invited to the wedding? Did you suppose they would take a chance on your scolding them if you didn't like the arrangements?

Mind you, Miss Manners agrees with your indignation at this fraudulent maneuver. If the couple is selling the opportunity to honor themselves, they should have alerted their potential customers up-front.

The surprise charge gave you the opportunity to pull out. However, it did not give you license to be rude to them. All you had to say was that you found you could not attend after all. They would have had no difficulty figuring out why. Or just do not pay the bill, in which case they would doubtless remove you from the guest list.

Chastising them, in something you quaintly call a "courtesy email," was uncalled for.

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2026-07-22 Miss Manners

Wed, 22 Jul 2026 01:00:06 GMT

DEAR MISS MANNERS: My husband and I do a lot of recreational traveling, and often take local tours in the countries we visit. In these tours, there are often many comments using America as a punchline. How should I handle this? Just stand there and be humiliated?

GENTLE READER: One cannot open an American newspaper without reading that there is now a partisan divide on some topic about which there used to be public consensus. It may therefore surprise you to hear that this is not one of them.

You can agree wholeheartedly with current American policies, disagree fundamentally, or stand anywhere in between; it does not change the simple equation that a sweeping insult of your home country includes you.

As such comments are almost certainly based on the age-old cliche that all Americans are rude or bullies, they ignore the hypocrisy that only rude bullies would offer such an insult to a guest in their country.

The proper response is therefore to silently, but politely, make clear that you know you have been insulted. If you can excuse yourself, do so. If not, look stern and ignore the speaker for a time. This forces others to question their assumptions both about Americans and about themselves -- which will be far better for you than getting into a fight in a foreign country.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: A long-lost friend, Lily, reached out to me to reconnect. At first, it had been fun chatting with her and catching up; we hadn't spoken in 10 years.

Over the years, Lily has often used the expression that she is "losing her house" as she always seems to have unpaid taxes and other bills. I have worked really hard to stay current on my own bills, even gaining new skills so I can work part-time.

Imagine my surprise the other day when Lily, out of the blue, said to me, "You are going to lose your house!"

I asked why, and what was she talking about?

She was kind of vague, but I was upset and felt like I needed to explain my finances to her (though I stopped myself). She then hurried off the phone. She has now pulled this twice.

I am really upset by her behavior. She called again recently, acting like nothing happened -- and for her, it probably didn't. I had really been enjoying reconnecting, but I haven't called her back.

What should I do? Drop her? Call her up and discuss this?

GENTLE READER: And say what? "Don't yell 'fire' in a crowded theater; I have a weak heart"?

Miss Manners agrees that your friend's behavior was poor, but she does not wish to compound the rudeness by having you offer criticism. Nor does she think doing so would be effective.

If it happens again, tell her -- while showing a small amount of irritation, but giving no explanation -- that she is mistaken. A friend will notice that and not do it a third time.

Someone who does not notice is not going to be fun to be around.

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2026-07-23 Miss Manners

Thu, 23 Jul 2026 00:00:08 GMT

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I have been dating a wonderful man for a couple of years. He has generously given me several gifts, but I have found most of them to be kitschy and I don't really want them in my house. I'm trying to minimalize my home environment, and I'm getting rid of things instead of adding more. I have displayed some of his gifts in my home to show appreciation, while a few other things are sitting in my garage.

How can I politely convey to him that I prefer to personally curate what is in my house? I know he thinks he's being thoughtful, but there's too much in my home already.

GENTLE READER: If most of his gifts end up in the garage, he is going to figure it out -- or maybe not, if this has been going on for two years. Criticizing gifts is unmannerly, and while one is not generally allowed to expect gifts, the rule can be bent in the case of romantic partners. Suggest that it would be lovely if, for future birthdays, he instead gave you a romantic dinner at your favorite restaurant: You would then have a memory to treasure instead of just another thing.

If that is not precisely what you want, Miss Manners will leave you to substitute both the correct alternative and the cliche to sell it.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I am a "gringo" who has learned Spanish. I've been a fluent speaker for over 30 years. I use the language professionally, and work in a field where I have the opportunity to speak it on a daily basis. I am as comfortable reading, speaking and writing in the language as I am in English.

Over the years, I have received many genuine compliments from native speakers who are surprised and pleased by my language skills. However, I occasionally encounter folks who take a much more condescending approach.

They make comments on how nice it is that I want to "practice" with them, or how "cute" it is that I speak "a little Spanish." I have had several people speak past me to talk instead to my wife, a native Spanish speaker.

I find this behavior quite insulting, and I would never behave this way towards a non-native English speaker if our roles were reversed. I have struggled to find a graceful way to respond.

How can I politely and gracefully let these "maleducados" know that their condescension is unappreciated?

GENTLE READER: To embarrass them thoroughly requires only an assist from your wife -- and the maleducados themselves.

Each time they address themselves to her, she should respond, but then draw you back into the conversation. If you are interesting, charming and fluent -- all while displaying absolutely no reaction to their condescending comments about your Spanish -- they will forget their imagined conviction that you do not speak the language, and instead be drawn into the conversation.

If the evening does not end with them apologizing for their earlier comments, you will still have enjoyed yourself -- and you and your wife can have a private laugh at their expense on the way home.

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2026-07-24 Miss Manners

Fri, 24 Jul 2026 00:00:10 GMT

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I have a very good friend who has decided to propose to his partner, and I am absolutely thrilled for the couple!

He is very well off, so price was not much of a consideration when it came to selecting the ring. However, he has never had much of an eye for jewelry, so he enlisted my help. I have years of experience working in the upscale jewelry industry.

In order to educate him on the topic, I began showing him a plethora of different styles of rings by a whole array of jewelers. Eventually we begin to narrow in on what he liked.

This is where the trouble begins. I made the mistake of showing him my dream ring. It's a design by a very prominent jewelry brand that my friend had expressed dislike for in the past, which is perhaps why I felt secure in showing him this option. He became more excited about this design that he had for any of the literal dozens of others I had shown him until that point (and since).

In my defense, I did preface showing him this ring by stating that it was my dream ring, a sentiment I have repeated many times since. In his defense, he is the one in the process of getting engaged, and he is the one who can actually afford it.

I am single, and even if I were partnered, my would-be fiance and I would probably have to do some serious saving to afford this ring. I would likely have to accept that it was not in the cards, and would gladly take a different ring (or no ring at all) if that is how the finances worked themselves out.

Since I have already accepted that this ring was likely never in my future, I feel a bit silly over how bitter this ordeal has made me. I think I would feel better about it if my friend had at least acknowledged my love for this ring and had asked me if I was comfortable letting him propose to his love with it.

To make matters worse, I know my friend's soon-to-be fiancee is not much of a jewelry person, and I suspect she would be just as happy with something out of a gumball machine. So the ring decision is very much my friend's to make.

How might I be able to move on from this and not feel peeved every time I see the left hand of my friend's spouse?

GENTLE READER: There is no chance, Miss Manners assumes, of taking joy in seeing the ring that you love, but cannot have, on a good friend's betrothed instead?

Your disappointment is understandable, even if the logic is not sound. If it will make you feel better, you may make one more attempt to have your friend abort the mission, saying wistfully, "You know, I really loved that ring and hoped that someday it would be mine, but the next best thing is for your future wife to have it."

If it does not work, however, take solace in the fact that your future spouse will have the fun of looking for something even better that is not cost-prohibitive.

As a precaution, however, you should not share any beloved baby names with your friend. Clearly he cannot be trusted.

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2026-07-25 Miss Manners

Sat, 25 Jul 2026 00:00:08 GMT

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I volunteer at a center that provides free tax prep for seniors. I am the greeter, and am really tired of people's arrogant and rude behavior to me.

I have received rude and nasty remarks from way too many clients. And this year, I've been told, "Get on your feet, honey," and "This is women's work" when asking people to fill out a required form.

Please help me deal with this issue. Why people think it is OK to behave so rudely to a volunteer -- not that people should be rude to anyone -- is confounding.

GENTLE READER: It is counterintuitive, as well: Since this is a free service, they need you more than you do them.

Etiquette does not require you to tolerate such behavior, Miss Manner assures you. A shocked "I beg your pardon?" is warranted, as well as the polite suggestion that if these offenders are unable to perform the necessary tasks without insult, they may want to look elsewhere for their services.

Whether or not you get on your feet to help them is up to you.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: Lately, I've noticed a lot of my friends REALLY want to visit my house. They tell me all the time, and some even invite themselves over.

I've never experienced anything like this before. My home is nothing special, but I get the feeling that my friends think it's a magical place.

For background, I'm a crafty person, and a bit of a social butterfly. Over the last few months, I've made a major effort to combat my loneliness: being more friendly, building relationships and relearning the in-person social skills that have eroded in the internet age.

For these reasons, I think my friends are under the impression that my home is an extension of the welcoming, comforting vibe I try to foster as a person. They think they'll find a fun, creative and colorful theme park, instead of a 370-square-foot studio apartment with bare walls and a bunch of clutter.

I love my apartment; I'm proud of living within my humble means. I want to have a friend or two over every so often, and can handle an occasional relaxed visit, but I want it to be on my terms. Right now, I feel like the expectation is that I provide some sort of immersive and social media-worthy pop-up experience that my friends should have access to on demand. In reality, all I have is a quiet, cozy home for one, which I shouldn't be made to feel ashamed of.

I'm on the verge of just making the place as messy and disgusting as possible, then throwing a party to nip the whole thing in the bud, but I'm wondering if Miss Manners might have a better solution. Maybe one involving manners?

GENTLE READER: Yes, that would be preferable to a disgusting apartment meant to deter the friends you have worked so hard to procure.

Since you stated that you do not mind having one or two over, why not start with that? Invite them individually, over time. If your apartment is as unimpressive as you say, Miss Manners is sure that word will spread. Better that than germs.

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2026-07-27 Miss Manners

Mon, 27 Jul 2026 02:00:06 GMT

DEAR MISS MANNERS: For years, I have entertained and loved every moment of it. But lately, when having people over, they just spend time talking about restaurants they have been to and what a wonderful experience it was.

I am a good cook, school-trained, and take pride in what I serve. I am fed up with nobody making comments about what I have prepared and instead raving about a restaurant.

My husband says I am too critical and should lighten up. I say, I am fed up. One of these days, I am going to serve arsenic, and that will serve them right!

GENTLE READER: Well, that would shut them up, and get people -- even strangers, no doubt -- talking about your meals.

Yet Miss Manners sympathizes with you, mainly on the grounds of how deadly dull those conversations must be. She remembers when any discussion of food at the dinner table was considered impolite.

That rule would not have helped you, because it also banned talk about the food that was being eaten. The assumption was that anyone who could afford to entertain dinner guests could also afford an underpaid cook. Any signs of enthusiasm for the meal created suspicions of cook-napping.

So when cooks demanded real wages, prompting many hosts to take an interest in cooking their own food, the rule had to be canceled to allow the guests to offer compliments.

Unfortunately, that also unleashed endless talk, not only about restaurants, but also about diets, nutrition, gastric symptoms, preferences, prohibitions and other unappetizing subjects. It is not just your friends, so it might be difficult to find more interesting guests.

To keep you from poisoning the ones you have, Miss Manners will allow you to do some shameless fishing, prompting them to be more gracious. After listening to yet another paean to a restaurant, you might say, "Oh, dear, that all sounds so good. I can never compete with those wonderful chefs they have."

DEAR MISS MANNERS: Referring to "guys" has become a constant refrain during newscasts: "Now over to you guys" for every opening, and "Back to you guys" for every conclusion.

No matter how formal and expensive a restaurant is, the server will greet customers with "How are you guys?" They will then come around during the meal to inquire "How are you guys doing?" and end with, "You guys have a nice night" -- regardless of the gender of the diners.

Is anyone else bothered by this? It is getting worse every day. Once you start noticing it, it can drive you crazy.

GENTLE READER: Indeed. And the widespread use of "guys" to address women is particularly mystifying after the fraught learning process of changing job titles from masculine to neutral -- "fireman" to "firefighter," "stewardess" to "flight attendant," and such.

Miss Manners is just grateful she is not the language police.

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2026-07-28 Miss Manners

Tue, 28 Jul 2026 00:00:11 GMT

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I am confused on the proper time to arrive at an event or social function, whether in private homes or public venues.

When attending an event like a concert, play, church service or something else in a public space, I understand the announced time is when the event starts, and that you should arrive early enough to be in your seats before then.

But at a private event in someone's home or elsewhere, I do not understand when you should arrive. I have gone to bridge club meetings, book clubs and dinner parties where people arrive 10-15 minutes before the stated time. I feel like this can be an inconvenience to the host or hostess.

I am very conscientious about being on time, and yet I am often the last one to arrive at these functions. I went to a tea at a church recently, arrived about 5 minutes before the start time, and everyone was already seated.

Please help me understand the distinctions so I can handle these events better.

GENTLE READER: It sounds as if your town is in need of traffic snarls.

Not that Miss Manners is excusing those who burst into dinner parties after the roast has been ruined -- along with the other guests' attitudes, most likely -- and then blame it on traffic. But showing up when the hosts are in their bathrobes is generally not appreciated, either. Nor does she condone the practice ridiculously called "fashionably late."

Club meetings, even sociable ones, are supposed to start at the hour named. But for purely social gatherings, the sweet spot is after the hosts have attended to the last-minute tasks and before they start to wonder whether they mixed up the dates and will have to eat all the food themselves. That would be on the hour or up to 15 minutes after.

That your circle behaves differently is odd. Did they all go to the same school, where entering class while the bell was ringing was considered tardy? Did the local watchmaker retire?

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I'm serving a cold soup at a dinner party using the two-handled cold soup bowls that are part of my set of Minton china. Should we drink the soup or use spoons?

My soup spoons happen to be rather large, and these bowls are rather small. If we don't drink the soup, would teaspoons do, as I have no smaller soup spoons?

GENTLE READER: As if Miss Manners does not get enough shock waves when she mentions that asparagus is traditionally a finger food. She can imagine the faces of the other guests watching someone drinking directly from the cup.

You should provide whichever of your spoons will make the least mess. And be prepared to defend anyone who just drinks by saying, "Well, why do you think they have two handles?"

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2026-07-29 Miss Manners

Wed, 29 Jul 2026 14:00:06 GMT

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I have a tiny house, so I enjoy hosting dinner parties al fresco in my backyard. I recently invited guests to dine when the weather was lovely, 75 degrees with a soft breeze.

During the first course, a bumblebee flew over the table and then moved on. One of my guests announced, "There are bees out here," picked up her plate, and went inside the house. Her husband followed her.

Before I could think of what to do, my other guests stood, took their plates, and went inside, with one saying, "Well, I guess we have to go in now." We finished the meal in my living room with plates balanced precariously on our laps.

I have known this woman for 15 years and know she is not allergic to bees. Her husband told me as they left that she was just having a bad day.

To what extent should a hostess accommodate these concerns -- or quirks? I didn't want her to eat alone, but it seemed to me she disrupted the party. What would you advise in this situation?

GENTLE READER: The real question is not who is to blame. Though if it were, Miss Manners votes for, in order: the bee; the guest who stood up after your friend, as being the person who likely precipitated the group decision to decamp; and the friend's husband, on grounds of general ineptitude.

The real question is: What could you have done about it?

You cannot require guests to remain someplace they feel threatened, but you can persuade -- which might have been sufficient in a situation that sounds to have been more Follow-the-Leader than thought-through.

You might have instead stood immediately, offered to take your friend inside and then attempted to clear out the bee (singular), telling everyone else they were welcome to remain outside -- but that they could go in, if they needed to. That might have been enough to stop the mass ingress.

You could have then set your friend up indoors and check on her periodically, in between rounds of improvising a bee-clearing dance.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I would like to invite a new friend to dinner at my house, but I haven't yet because I'm nervous that my chairs might not support him. I saw a dining chair collapse under a guest at my mother's house once, and the image really stuck with me.

My new friend is a mountain of a man -- over 6'6" and burly. I have heard him mention things that are too small for him, like seats at a certain theater. Apart from replacing my dining chairs, is there a polite way to approach this?

GENTLE READER: The situation you are dreading is novel for you, but it is very familiar for him. Find or acquire at least one chair that you are sure will accommodate him and, when the time comes, say at the outset that you think he might be most comfortable in this location.

Miss Manners thinks she needs hardly add that this must be done gracefully, drawing as little attention as possible to what you are doing. Your friend will understand and be as grateful for your gracefulness as for your making him comfortable.

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2026-07-30 Miss Manners

Thu, 30 Jul 2026 01:00:24 GMT

DEAR MISS MANNERS: As women, it is not our job to salvage a man's ego when he cannot take "no" for an answer. Honestly, we need to make this point, and loudly: NO MEANS NO. If someone asks you on a date, it is perfectly OK to say, "That's very nice of you, but no, thank you."

It is then up to the other person to accept that answer -- not to keep pushing and keep asking. It is up to that person to manage THEIR OWN feelings.

Women are taught to avoid bruising men's egos; we are expected to manage their feelings, as well as our own. And then we are called "emotional" or "crazy" when we react the same way men often react in certain situations.

GENTLE READER: A bit of advice on style -- not the substance of your point: Any person, male or female, is liable to be called "emotional" when they give their responses out of order or without regard to the other person in a dialogue.

It is understandably frustrating -- if, unfortunately, all too common -- to be forced to repeat essentially identical interactions with different people. But as Miss Manners trusts you know, yelling at someone at the start is not a solution.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: We moved to a new home, and our terrace affords an excellent view of our local July 4 fireworks. We invited some friends over for barbecue and fireworks-viewing.

One of our guests stayed inside for most of the day due to the heat, while the other guests were in and out all day. I stayed inside with her, and my husband stayed outside. So in attending to her, I neglected the other guests. How better to handle this?

GENTLE READER: Did the private conversation with your husband go something like this?

"Could you look in on her, too, so I can spend time with the other guests?"

"You don't have to be in there with her 100% of the time. She's a grown woman, it's not that hot out here, and she knew it was an outdoor event when she accepted the invitation."

Miss Manners does not ask this to malign your husband, who may be a perfect host. She is merely borrowing him to make some valid points -- none of which excuse him from splitting the looking-in duty with you.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: In hot, humid weather, my hands can be quite sticky, and I'm reluctant to offer a wet palm when asked to shake hands.

What's the best way to handle this? Is it rude to try to wipe my hand off first? Should I say "I'm sorry, but I'm so hot" if someone extends their hand?

GENTLE READER: Not shaking a proffered hand is rude, and explaining that you have one of several perfectly proper exceptions to this rule is generally not an interesting topic of conversation. As your situation is repairable, it does not fall into the category of reasons not to shake.

Say nothing, but first wipe your hand as surreptitiously as you can.

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2026-07-31 Miss Manners

Fri, 31 Jul 2026 00:00:10 GMT

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I enjoy going out with my women friends for lunch (just two of us). It is wonderful to get away from my house and my husband.

But recently, two of my friends have suggested that their husbands, and mine, join us. I hate this idea because I don't care to be around the husbands, and it would severely limit our conversation (I've been around their husbands before).

What do I say besides, "I don't want to do that"?

GENTLE READER: "Perhaps we could once in a while. But I would love to also keep doing it with just the women. You know, so that we can talk about the husbands."

And then Miss Manners suggests you show enough of a glint in your eye, to indicate that you have some really good gossip to share, in order to entice them. You can decide later whether or not you actually want to share it.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: My daughter married a great guy. They have two delightful young children and very fulfilling and busy lives. I do a lot of babysitting, both to help them out and because it's a true joy.

The only issue is that my son-in-law is a complete slob. When he takes a shower, the towel remains on the floor. His boxers are right there where he stepped out of them. Dirty cups and dishes abound. The last time I babysat, he manscaped, and left his hair in the tub, which I had to clean up in order to bathe my grandchildren later. Things are always out of place, both inside and outside of the house.

My daughter knows all this and admits her own standards of tidiness have fallen. However, she says it's his only flaw (true), and she can deal with it.

I'm not sure I can. I am often horrified at what he has left for his mother-in-law to see. Sometimes leaving the mess alone is not an option (see manscaping).

Is there a way I can address this? Do I speak to my daughter first? I love them so much, truly enjoy my time there and don't want to cause an issue. That being said, it's just gross sometimes.

GENTLE READER: Ew. While you cannot admonish subpar or diminishing standards, which is not your business, you can address your grandchildren's comfort and safety, which is -- at least when you babysit.

Miss Manners recommends you only comment on things that concern them and your ability to care for them (see manscaping).

She recommends you speak to your daughter -- who already seems to be aware of the problem -- and cite it as a safety issue. Mention that you had to clean up the bathtub last time and although you would not mind, you are afraid that in doing so, you will not have eyes on the children and that scares you.

The same goes for the dishes in the sink, the towel in the shower, the boxers on the floor ...

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2026-08-01 Miss Manners

Sat, 01 Aug 2026 00:00:10 GMT

DEAR MISS MANNERS: We received a wedding invitation for a wedding from my husband's nephew and bride-to-be. The attire for the occasion is described as: "black tie optional. Elegant, coastal chic. We ask that men wear jackets."

It is clear what my husband should wear, but do you have a suggestion for me to fulfill "elegant, coastal chic"? The wedding venue is a private club on the New England coastline.

And may I vent about my pet peeve, if I promise to be the model of elegance and politeness at the wedding and reception? Our names on the outside envelope were written as "Paul and Paulette Last Name" instead of "Mr. and Mrs. Paul Last Name" -- or better yet, "Dr. and Mrs. Paul Last Name." (He and several other family members are doctors.)

Even the father of the groom's name was written on his invitation as "Bill Last Name" rather than the more formal and elegant "William."

The nephew's parents are divorced and both are remarried. Perhaps this is the reason that formality on the envelopes did not quite meet the elegance mark.

GENTLE READER: Aw, we were so close. Miss Manners was so ready to have a good gossip about all the things these wedding hosts did wrong -- and then you went and blamed it on divorce.

The state of one's marriage does not preclude elegance or formality, in the addressing of envelopes or otherwise. If anything, those who have divorced and remarried have had more chances to practice.

Nevertheless, you are correct that these particular hosts bungled it. The dress code, as you surmised, is made up, so "elegant, coastal chic" is whatever you want it to be. But if you need guidance, watch any of the myriad television shows and movies that the couple is no doubt trying to emulate. Long, flowy dresses on chic, badly behaved women seems to be the brief.

But then again, you promised not to be one of those.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: My wife and I were hosting dinner for an old friend at a local restaurant. On arrival we saw another mutual friend, who also knew our guest. Those two talked for about 10 minutes while my wife and I were settled at the table. We had no qualms about that, since they had not seen each other in a long time.

At the end of the meal, we find that the friend we had happened on had discreetly paid our check before he left. We had no idea.

The next day I wrote him a sincere thank-you note from myself, my wife and our friend. The question is whether our friend should also send a note, even though I wrote on behalf of all of us. It seems likely that his being there was the primary reason it happened.

GENTLE READER: Are you, as it were, asking for a friend?

As you were already taking this friend out for dinner, you were the host and the one who primarily benefited from the transaction. Miss Manners agrees that it would be gracious of your friend to thank the mutual friend, but whether or not he does is not your concern. That you did it for him was even more hostly.

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2026-08-03 Miss Manners

Mon, 03 Aug 2026 00:00:08 GMT

DEAR MISS MANNERS: My son and daughter-in-law are expecting their first child. I broke the happy news to my best friend by telling her she would soon receive an invitation from them to their baby shower.

Instead of being excited and congratulatory, she huffed and said that expectant mothers were not supposed to throw themselves a shower. She proceeded to give a long list of those who, by rules of etiquette, are allowed to throw baby showers.

Well, apparently we broke two rules, because I'm hosting it at our house, which is also a no-no. In this day and age, I thought that it was appropriate for a couple to throw their own shower. Considering that my daughter-in-law is doing all the planning and paying the bulk of the expenses, I see no issue here.

But my friend keeps telling me it's uncouth, and that having men there only makes it worse. So I just wanted the opinion of an expert who is not still living in the 1950s.

GENTLE READER: Sigh. Miss Manners doesn't know who is worse: those who disdain etiquette, or those who use it as a battering ram.

No, she is not going after you, sad as she is to see the increasing number of people who invite others to honor them. You probably knew of such occasions and therefore concluded that this was acceptable.

Of course etiquette evolves, and an example of its changing for the better is the recognition that men also become parents and should be included in these celebrations. But what is the reason for changing the old rule of friends honoring friends instead of themselves? Fear that they may not? Or, as most people will interpret it, greed?

Either way, there is no excuse for the person you call your best friend. Friends may or may not choose to honor their friends, but they are not allowed to vilify them. Especially when claiming to be better practitioners of etiquette.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I've dined with two different men lately -- in nice restaurants, not at fast-food chains -- and each of them pushed food onto his fork with his finger.

I just don't know how to handle this, especially as each is a nice man who wants to continue a dating relationship. It would be a shame to stop seeing either of them because of poor table manners. How to handle this?

GENTLE READER: Over just coffee? Which is probably too hot for them to stir with a finger?

Miss Manners hopes that you do not have illusions about furthering romance by correcting a gentleman's table manners. Not a good courtship technique. It's not even an easy marital technique.

The least offensive lesson Miss Manners can devise is to take one of those gentlemen to a really formal (so as not to say pretentious) restaurant as a great treat, and whisper beforehand that it is not the sort of place where one can eat with one's fingers.

It is not to be tried on a first date. Wait until you feel that the gentleman is worth the investment.

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2026-08-04 Miss Manners

Tue, 04 Aug 2026 00:00:07 GMT

DEAR MISS MANNERS: At times, a grocery checkout line will be very long, with only one cashier available. Someone with a full cart, three or four customers ahead of me, will offer a customer approaching the long line with only a couple of items permission to go ahead of them. They thereby award the same permission on behalf of all customers behind them in line, even though we were not asked if we would mind waiting a minute or two longer for the single-item customer to check out.

If the accommodating customer had asked all of us if we minded, the odds of anyone objecting are almost nil.

It is one of those small life unpleasantries, but maybe Miss Manners might advise those who would give such permission to ask everyone in line first, as a courtesy?

GENTLE READER: While the shopper stands there holding a cereal box and a stick of butter, listening to the vote? And in these contentious times, someone shouts, "No fair! She's busting into line! Get back there, lady."

Of course, that reaction is what you are trying to avoid. From the number of letters Miss Manners receives about confrontations in grocery lines, she is not sure that such courtesies can be offered without unpleasant repercussions.

Perhaps if it is put as, "If no one objects, I'll let this lady with only two items go ahead," no one will want to be singled out as the one person saying "I object."

But sadly, perhaps not.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I am 69 and have worn a visible hearing aid my entire adult life. I have had many people who know I'm hard of hearing jokingly say "What?" or silently mouth words, as if my hearing loss is somehow humorous.

I doubt they are mean-spirited, but rather cluelessly insensitive. What is the best way to let them know that people who are hard of hearing find these attempts at humor highly offensive?

GENTLE READER: Has it come to that? That Miss Manners has to inform people that it's not nice to make fun of others' disabilities?

It could hardly be more mean-spirited. So much so, that there is no response except turning your back on such people.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: When placing silverware on the table, does the sharp edge of the knife face toward the plate or away from it?

GENTLE READER: The simple answer is: toward the plate.

But Miss Manners can't help offering the wordy answer.

Until the 19th century, most Westerners, including European royalty, ate with their knives (and considered Italians to be sissies for using forks). Specifically, they ate with their own knives, which they used for hunting and then brought to the dinner table.

Some diners noticed that the knives had other uses -- picking teeth, for example, and settling arguments. To cut down on the carnage -- or perhaps on the sight of people picking their teeth -- Cardinal Richelieu had the sharp points filed off table knives, and Louis XIV of France decreed blunted knives were to be used for dining.

Today's dinner knife is still sharp, although never quite sharp enough. You turn it toward yourself to symbolize your intent to use it only on your roast beef and not on your dinner partner.

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2026-08-05 Miss Manners

Wed, 05 Aug 2026 00:00:09 GMT

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I went to the symphony, which I've done for many years now. I know that proper symphony etiquette is to refrain from clapping between movements. However, it seems to me that many symphony attendees are not aware of this rule. This has given rise to a rather awkward situation: About half the audience knows the rule and does not clap, and the other half does clap -- so inevitably there is rather weak and half-hearted applause between movements.

Should symphonies try to educate their patrons on the rule with an announcement at the beginning of the concert? Or should we decide this rule has outlived its usefulness and applaud between movements the way we applaud each scene at the opera?

GENTLE READER: The announcement could go after the one about what to do if the theater is overrun by period instrumentalists.

Forgive Miss Manners; she has a headache from trying to scan a QR code for the playbill in the absence of a printed program. This is also why she was unable to verify if the symphony has already acted on your advice about a printed etiquette lesson -- many have.

As to the rule against clapping between movements, she chooses to believe that it is still viable, but that it is easy to forgive an audience member so caught up in the emotion of the performance as to momentarily forget it.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I am recovering from a fairly bad cold that I suspect I caught during my last hair appointment. While getting my hair washed, several workers were coughing and sneezing around me.

I get all the vaccines and wear masks on planes, but it is hard to wear a mask during a haircut.

Should I even mention this suspicion the next time I'm at the salon? If so, what to say without sounding accusatory? It seems folks have forgotten the lessons from the pandemic.

GENTLE READER: That there is no national consensus on what was learned from the pandemic may be one of the few things the country can agree on.

But the etiquette around employees exposing customers to more mundane illnesses in commercial establishments is the same as it was before: Express your concerns privately to the boss so as not to single out or embarrass individual employees.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: When did it become appropriate for people to inject a statement proclaiming their religious beliefs, with an air of superiority, into conversations that are not specifically about religion?

I cannot count the times I have heard "I'm a Christian, and ..." in the middle of a completely unrelated discussion. We could be talking about purchasing car tires, and this happens.

I don't need to know their beliefs. Furthermore, this statement hijacks the meaning of the word "Christian."

GENTLE READER: Etiquette has long recommended against injecting politics or religion into general conversation because of the strong feelings they engender.

We have lately seen the consequences of disregarding the former rule. As to when the latter practice began, Miss Manners is not a theologian, but she believes Christian proselytizing dates at least as far back as Saint Paul -- although not as a credential for judging tires.

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2026-08-06 Miss Manners

Thu, 06 Aug 2026 01:00:06 GMT

DEAR MISS MANNERS: My husband met a very nice, like-minded neighbor during a walk, and we invited him and his wife over for dinner. Almost from the very beginning of the evening, his wife was very critical and rude and insisted on commenting on our home.

She claimed we had too much clutter, too many gallery walls, that our home was a mess, and on and on. At first, I thought she was referring to another space or someone else's home because I couldn't believe my ears. It was not until she directed her comments to me in a way I could no longer ignore that her unbelievable rudeness hit me.

She would not drop it. After the fifth comment about clutter, I questioned her constant negative comments on our beloved space by repeating the last one back to her, sarcastically thanking her for her gratuitous input.

Let me say that our space is a mix of airy and cozy, and, until this woman, it had been complimented by anyone who visited. I pride myself on keeping it clean, tidy and inviting at all times. I was at a loss on how to respond and not stoop to her level of offense.

Why in the world would she or anyone with a modicum of manners and respect do this? What, if anything, could I have said or done to curb her rudeness, if not outright stop it?

GENTLE READER: The situation you describe is not life-threatening, but it is bad, and it is therefore helpful to prioritize your response -- to use an etiquette equivalent of the medical concept of triage.

Just as hospitals consider it good form to stop the bleeding before you ruin the furniture, etiquette prioritizes putting a stop to insults before you spoil the evening.

Sarcasm -- as you discovered -- was not the way to do this.

Miss Manners would have first attempted to change the subject, without initially registering any insult received -- which perhaps you did. If that failed, she would have eventually ceased to respond, knowing that the silence would eventually register with the woman's husband, and with the woman herself shortly after. If the rest of the evening could be made bearable, you could still serve the meal.

If there really was no stopping the comments, then eventually you might have had to pointedly stand up and thank them for coming. Either way, there is no reason to ever invite them back.

As to why your guest felt free to insult you: Do you really care?

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2026-08-07 Miss Manners

Fri, 07 Aug 2026 07:00:14 GMT

DEAR MISS MANNERS: Our family is fortunate to have a beach house. The last couple years, we have allowed our boys, ages 15 and 13, to invite friends for a week to 10 days.

The first year, we didn't expect or ask for money to cover any of the friends' expenses. In one case, the family sent the child with no spending money whatsoever. We covered all of his meals, drinks and entertainment.

That summer, this friend ate us out of house and home. He ordered the most expensive dinner on a menu -- which we allowed once, then nixed his future expensive orders. He ordered appetizers before his dinner at restaurants, and had total disregard for sharing the food at the house. He would eat it all if we didn't monitor or stop him.

This child has been friends with my son since kindergarten, so obviously he feels very comfortable being one of the family. However, he made me incredibly frustrated with his attitude of entitlement.

Upon returning home, I mentioned his impressive eating habits to his mother; she blushed and agreed that he eats a lot.

GENTLE READER: If your hospitality is to continue, Miss Manners suggests you set some rules -- for both the parents and the children.

When you issue the invitation, tell the parents, "We would love to have Spencer join us for the week, but he will need some spending money. You may also want to send him with the snacks he prefers, since we may not have enough supplies on hand."

Once on vacation, tell Spencer the rule that if he is to act like one of the family, with all the advantages that entails, he must also take on the responsibilities. Treat him as you would your own children: expecting him to help with clean-up, limiting expensive treats, adhering to family rules and curfews, etc.

You will be doing the boy a favor, and his parents as well. Surely, even with contributing to vacation expenses, it will be less expensive than having him home -- and bored -- for a week.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: Is it proper to send out children's birthday party invitations with requests NOT to buy certain gifts? I received an invitation that stated, "no Barbies, please."

I would not have bought one anyway, as I would have assumed a 6- or 7-year-old girl would have some already. What are your thoughts on this?

GENTLE READER: Solicitations, recommendations or restrictions for presents should never be stated explicitly, and certainly not in invitations. Friends and relatives can be put to use, however, making suggestions when asked.

If this host had an aversion to the doll, she could have spread the word to her intimates, who would then galvanize to tell the other guests. But it does make Miss Manners wonder what happened to inspire the rule, and what could be said to convey it.

She imagines something like, "I guess Kennedy has thousands of them, and she keeps dismembering them and leaving the parts in unexpected places. Her mom is at her wits' end."

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2026-08-08 Miss Manners

Sat, 08 Aug 2026 01:00:08 GMT

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I'm 62 and have been divorced for 26 years. I've been dating the love of my life for 15 years -- we are obviously not in a hurry to tie the knot, though I did give her a beautiful engagement ring last summer.

My problem is my past history. A couple of times, in conversations with other people while my fiancee is present, I have told an amusing story or two that involved my ex-wife or a past girlfriend. My fiancee would later tell me that that was rude and it offended her.

I have since been quite careful not to go there again. However, we were recently eating at the bar of a casual restaurant, and I struck up a conversation with the couple next to me. The gentleman stated he was from a neighborhood I was familiar with. I then proceeded to tell him that, 22 years ago, I played a humorous prank on my child on the way over to my then-girlfriend's house in that same neighborhood (it involved the geography of the area).

I'm a social drinker and was having fun making the couple laugh. Needless to say, I caught heck on the drive home for mentioning an ex-girlfriend.

I told her she was being childish and that it's history, but also that because it offends her, it'll never happen again. In my head I'll just have to think really hard and use a generic term like "friend." I've just never had to analyze anything before I say it.

I'm not purposely being rude. Is she oversensitive? She has stated in the past that it offends her to hear about my exes, and if it offends her, I'll have to just not go there. I told her that if she's wrong in your opinion, I will still never go there. Help.

GENTLE READER: Why? You have already stated that Miss Manners' opinion will have no bearing on the outcome.

And for good reason. The fact that your fiancee said the behavior bothered her -- and that you said you would stop -- is all the justification you need. Whether or not she is oversensitive and wants to pretend that you are each other's first loves seems immaterial.

All right, fine. Miss Manners will weigh in a little, if only from an editorial perspective. The anecdote you told is not made any better by saying "girlfriend" instead of "friend." In fact, it is a distraction. The listener becomes too preoccupied by figuring out when, after having a child, you procured a girlfriend, and the humorous prank bit gets lost. The relationship is no one's business, of course, but it is distracting nevertheless. So why include it if it bothers your fiancee and also muddies the story?

Do what you want in terms of keeping the peace in your relationship. But please do not use good storytelling as an excuse.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: What do you think of a first-time guest who brings a leftover dessert to a dinner party, in the original box, with not enough pieces for all the guests? Money would not be a problem to buy the whole dessert again.

GENTLE READER: As a general rule, Miss Manners discourages guests from using their host's dinner parties as a place to park their leftovers. Or at least not to do it so obviously.

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2026-08-10 Miss Manners

Mon, 10 Aug 2026 01:00:06 GMT

DEAR MISS MANNERS: When I am sick, I need to rest and conserve my energy. I don't want visitors, as then I feel I have to host, perform and even offer food and drink when all I want to do is sleep.

I don't look presentable, and I shouldn't feel obligated to shave and shower to receive guests. I don't want them to see me in pajamas, unshaven, looking awful and feeling worse. I also am afraid that visitors will extend their visits far too long, exhausting me even more. Nor do I want to hear their relationship drama or the itinerary for their next vacation.

1. Am I being rude to decline well-meaning visits when I am sick? I feel obligated to entertain these friends, and I resent it. They seem to think I am lonely, but I'm too tired and too ill to feel lonely. I get the feeling that they are actually the lonely ones.

2. How do I politely but firmly let people know that I need to spend what little energy I have on myself?

GENTLE READER: Everybody else who wants to get out of something claims to be sick. And you can't think of an excuse?

Try "I don't feel up to seeing anyone," or "I need to sleep."

If anyone persists, follow up with, "I would feel terrible if you came down with this" -- which you would, Miss Manners knows. Because then they might expect you to visit them.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: Is it ever polite to tell a politician that you think they belong in jail?

GENTLE READER: If you are the prosecuting attorney, yes.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: We used to have something called blanket covers on the beds: thin coverings to keep wool blankets from having to be washed as often as sheets.

A blanket cover also served to protect the blanket if someone wanted to take a nap under the bedspread.

Do these covers still exist somewhere, and do you know what they were made of?

GENTLE READER: They were driven away by those big bullies, duvets. If you ask for a blanket cover now, you will probably be given the cover for a duvet, which is not the same thing.

Blanket covers date from a time when people actually made their beds instead of throwing a huge pillowy thing over the mess. Sheets and blankets were stretched tightly over the mattress, pillows were placed at the head, and an actual bedspread, to be totally removed at sleep time, was tucked in on top.

For those who didn't resent this labor, a nice optional touch was to add a blanket cover, obviously over the blanket. This was distinguished from a bedsheet by being of a thinner material, often embroidered. Or it could be crocheted, so that the blanket showed through it.

Miss Manners wishes you luck in finding one. Or making one. It is several generations now since people appreciated the satisfaction of performing the bed-making ritual before facing the day.

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2026-08-11 Miss Manners

Tue, 11 Aug 2026 01:00:07 GMT

DEAR MISS MANNERS: Some months ago, you asked your readers for a way of addressing strangers whose gender is not obvious, but I have not seen the answer. We need it, so as to keep from insulting unknown people when we need to get their attention and don't want to say "Hey, you."

Didn't anyone have any ideas? Did you give up?

GENTLE READER: No; there were many charming suggestions, and yet the question is still open. Picky Miss Manners is not quite happy that any submitted so far would pass her test for usefulness.

That test is to imagine that someone is about to exit a cafe, having scooped up their laptop and papers, but leaving a cellphone on the table. You need to shout something to stop this person, who will be gone before you can get to the door to return the phone. So you call out -- what?

One category of entries pleaded for warmth.

"Friend" was the most common suggestion, described by one reader as "a way to convey respect and warmth. A lovely, calm way to interact." One Gentle Reader added, "I try to make it a bit more formal by expanding it to 'good friend.' I do not think the Quakers have minded my appropriation of it."

Another asked, "Why not use the word 'dear'? While technically it's a term of endearment, it's a fairly safe one used mostly outside of romantic context by friends and acquaintances."

Going a step further, someone wrote, "My dear aunt, now in her 90s, uses 'love' -- 'Yes, love,' or 'Love, would you mind ...' We need more love these days."

A second category emphasized respect.

Many argued for "Your honor." One advocate added, "Yes, it's used for judges in the courtroom, but if we use it out of the courtroom, I don't think we'll confuse most people, most of the time."

"Your grace" also made an appearance in this category. "You don't need to be Christian to believe in the value of grace, with implied graciousness, in the world," wrote a Gentle Reader, who then acknowledged, "Perhaps reviving and widening this usage would be rejected as too strongly implying subservience or entitlement."

Similarly, "Noble" was suggested, with the question "Since 'sir' and 'ma'am' were originally used for those of rank and nobility, why not skip straight there in honoring someone?"

And "Peer," which can refer to aristocracy, but also to "an equal in excellence or endowments: In song he never had his peer. A companion; a fellow; an associate: He all his peers in beauty did surpass."

A third category simply acknowledged humanity.

Several suggested "Human." And there were many advocates for "Person," with the possibility of its being shortened to "Pers," and the argument that "it has no particular baggage."

Also presented was "Folk," with the interesting explanation that "Originally and properly it had no plural, being a collective noun; but in modern use, in America, it has lost its singular number, and we hear it only in the plural. Since we have already adopted a plural pronoun (they) to describe one person, I imagine people could get used to this."

Finally, there is a miscellaneous category.

"Cer" was suggested by a Gentle Reader as "a neutral derivation of 'Ser,' a Latin contraction of 'Senhor,' having been assured by a daughter that it is used in science fiction -- and if it is good enough for those good folks in the future, it is good enough for me."

And "Peeps" was suggested as "nonoffensive in any way, and kind of endearing."

One person wrote that they were "taking inspiration from your own 'Gentle Reader' usage" and trying "'GentleSoul' ... It is dignified, easy to say, respectful, benevolent and a compound of two familiar parts."

Do any of these pass the test? Miss Manners does not believe so. She would not, for example, suggest yelling "Folk!" at a stranger in a crowded cafe.

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